Friday, September 15, 2006

Because deep down you’ve always wanted to make your mark on country music...

While everyone knows that I’m the Minnesota’s most fearsome and respected political kingmaker, not as many are aware that I’m also the Ira Gershwin of contemporary country music. I’ve penned the lyrics to venerable (if as of yet unrecorded) country tear-jerkers like“Panhandle Sunrise” and “(It's Tough Bein') The Only Jew In Chattanooga”, while also dabbling in rowdy honky-tonk numbers such as “(My Baby’s Got A) Big Ol’ Cameltoe”. These songs are typified by their wry observations of the rural way of life, combined with thoughtful reflections of life and love, wise humor, and gentle nuances so subtle that you’ll just shit yourself. They are, in other words, my proudest accomplishments as a human being and will be my sole lasting contribution to Western Civilization.

And, tonight, because I didn’t get my post about Paris done in time, I’m giving you—my dear, dear audience—the chance to midwife yet another of these beautiful, heartbreaking pearls of pure lyrical magic. That’s right, I’m putting you people in charge of my next Nashville hit. All you have to do is scan the list of titles that follows, choose the one that makes your soul soar the highest, and place your vote in my comments section. On Sunday morning, I will then tabulate the data according using only the most stringent accounting protocols, and will set to work composing lyrics for the winning title. It sounds like the chance of a lifetime, doesn’t it? Well, let’s get down to business:

1) “(I’ve Got The) Burnin’ Pee Blues”

2) “Woman, Where’s My Pabst At?”

3) “Al-Qaeda Tried-ta Hide-a (But the U.S.A. Saved the Day)”

4) “Upholstered In Denim”

5) “Jesus Said It, I Believe It, That Settles It”

6) “I Suspect She Farted”

7) “Take Off Them Waders”

8) “Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With Wisconsin”

9) “I Ain’t Gay, I’m Just Thinkin’ Bout His Ass”

10) “(I’m Gonna Love You) Full-On Kentucky Style”