Keith Ellison captures the coveted Insomnia Report endorsement...

Everyone knows that there’s no greater “kingmaker” in Minnesota politics than this here blog. With my six hundred or so readers—most of whom live nowhere near here—I have become almost like the famed Daley machine in Chicago. Whichever candidate I pick to win is thereafter showered with not only millions and millions of votes, but also the undying love and gratitude of this nation. John Kerry, Al Gore, and Roger Moe can attest to my influence. History shows, that my support is pretty much a one-way ticket to neverending victory.
And now I’ve decided that people ought to go out and vote for Keith Ellison in the Fifth Congressional District primary tomorrow.

I met him today and, from our nine seconds of “face time”, he seems like a fine fellow. He’s also shorter than me, which I like in a Congressperson. What’s more, he agrees with me on most major issues. He’s for ending this terrible war we’ve got going on (although I’d like to hear more about how he plans to bring a lasting peace to the Middle East), he’s for comprehensive health care, and he’s against all manner of unbearable Republican badness. He strikes me as a guy worth your vote.

Of course, one cannot mention his name without bringing up the sliming he’s been subjected to. As for me, I don’t care that he said or wrote some silly things back when he was a student. Shit, I’ve written some silly things just last week. I don’t care if he hobnobbed with the Nation of Islam a couple decades ago. He’s apologized for that and he’s come out strongly against anti-Semitism. What do people expect him to do? Stay inside for the rest of his life because he’s made a mistake or two? I also don’t care if he’s got a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. I’m electing a congressperson, not a saint.

But I don’t want to dwell on Republican-generated mudslinging. Really, who gives two squeaky farts what those professional liars and cul-de-sac pundits think? Their influence is waning; their day is thankfully coming to a close. Keith Ellison will probably be around when all of them are in the old-folks home, toothlessly accusing the nurses of giving the liberals longer sponge baths.

So, if you live in Minneapolis and you haven’t made up your mind on who to vote for yet, why not give Keith Ellison a shot? Because, most of my other endorsees, he actually looks like he has a good chance of winning. Let’s hope he does. Otherwise, my support will be proven once and forever to be the kiss of death for a candidate.