Thursday, September 07, 2006

Just the man to soothe a troubled nation...

President George W. Bush addressed the nation earlier this evening. Thanks to the Insomnia Report’s important position in the burgeoning “new media” empire and a few blurry photographs of a certain high-ranking official in a frilly pair of knickers, we have been granted exclusive access to the unedited, unapproved version of the speech, spoken before the White House’s media-handlers applied their sophisticated editing equipment to it. Here it is:

My fellow Americans, I wanted to take this opportunity to deliver an important message to all of you. This message is simple, it is clear and it is necessary. Some of you have already heard it, but for others it will come as shocking news. A few will not accept it, of course, and tomorrow you can expect angry denunciations and impassioned complaining from the usual suspects in our nation’s media. Yet it is my sincere belief—shaped by the facts and forged in the fire of my faith—that this message needs to be brought home to all freedom-loving people regardless of nationality, religion, creed or political affiliation.

That message is this: I suck.

I suck so bad the slurping noise can be heard from outer space. I suck so much I sometimes threaten to turn the entire planet inside out. I suck like a Creed song. That is to say I suck a lot. And this is not the sort of suck that emanates solely from me, although I am proud to say I’m the suck-sun around which the solar system of suckage that is my admistration revolves. My cabinet, my staff and many of my appointees have distinguished themselves by both sucking on their own and enhancing my own suckitude, thus creating a cycle of suckage which is unprecedented even for Washington, D.C., a city which has sucked profoundly for quite some time now.

The teleprompter is going too fast now. No, really. I almost fucked up that last part. Can we slow it down? Just a little bit? Great. Thanks.

Now, I’d like to address some comments to those who charge that my administration has trampled on the constitution and expanded federal power to the point where the President stands above the law, almost like a king. That criticism is totally and completely on the money. You got me there, folks. No getting around it. Man oh man, and you people let me get away with it! I mean, every time some candy-assed Democrat objected, all we had to do was shout “Booga-booga! Terrorists in the cul-de-sac! Everybody hide!” and you all got in line, didn’t you?

Seriously, I’ve never seen such a pack of hysterical ninnies in all my life. And hypocrites too. One day you’re all like, “We have to protect our modern Western values from these fanatical wackos!” and then the next you’re saying, “We can’t worry about civil liberties when there’s terrorists on the loose!”. On Monday you say, “We’re better because we’re more civilized than they are,” and then on Tuesday you’re crying “Torture them all!”. At breakfast you’re spouting off about how the Democrats don’t take the war on terror seriously enough and then at lunch you’re lecturing everyone about how we ought to drop a nuke on Mecca.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me be absolutely frank: that’s batshit crazy talk right there. Knock it off.

(Drinks water. Clears throat.)

I was freestylin’ there for a moment. Could you tell? Pretty good, huh?

(Makes serious face)

However, never it let it be said that America does not face profound and complicated dangers. Osama bin Laden is still a free man, at liberty to spread his gospel of hatred and destruction. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to address a few words to him, the greatest enemy of freedom our generation has known.

Osama, if you’re listening, you best hear this: you look like an asshole, no one likes you, and you live in a cave like some sort of weird bearded groundhog. I bet you smell.

And Osama? We’ve got your boy Khalid Shaikh Mohammed up in one of our secret prisons, you know. Chained up with the Riddler, the Penguin, Mothra, Rodan and an evil disembodied brain in a jar! Yeah, he’s fitting in real nice down there in the hollowed-out volcano, son!

(Drinks water.)

What’s that? Enough with the ad-libs? Really? Well maybe I wouldn’t have to if you people would just SLOW DOWN THE FUCKING TELEPROMPTER FOR THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! Is that too much to ask?

Christ, it’s not like it’s reforming social security or something...

(Makes serious face.)

But I’m afraid that isn’t the only challenge we face in the years to come. Fanaticism is on the rise the world over, from North Korea to Iran to Syria to Lebanon. We must rise to face these burgeoning threats before it’s too late. We need to remember the incredible bounty of freedom that we know here in America is the light of the world and, consequently, we must carry the torch for our brothers and sisters in bondage who haven’t felt the warm glow of liberty inside their souls or something like that. You see, in Texas we have a saying, and it’s this: Mahmoud Ahmedijadiwhatever is a dickweed and Kim Jong Il ain’t much better. True, they’re both a little less spooky than that guy who confessed to killing JonBenet Ramsey, but that’s not saying much. No kidding. Did you see that guy? Whooo!

(Drinks water. Clears throat. Stares off into space.)

I’ve got to ask you people something. Have any of you ever farted and had it come out a lot more moist than you expected it to be? If you have, my fellow Americans, you might understand why I’m going to need to cut this address a little short.

To sum up: I suck. Osama, you’re a wanker and we’re coming after you whenever I get around to it. The world—a scary place, full of dickweeds.

Goodnight, and god bless...

[UPDATE: Yeah, I realize this post is sort of a re-run. Forgive me. In my defense, it's not like Bush's speeches change that much from year to year. And it's hard to come up with new stuff every day.]