Keith Ellison makes history as the first Insomnia Report endorsed candidate ever to win anything...

Some of you may recall that about fifteen hours ago I threw the unquestionable gravitas of this website behind the primary campaign of one Keith Ellison, who is running for a seat in the House of Representatives. Well, he just won. A coincidence? I think not!

Of course, because Mr. Ellison is black and a Muslim, you can expect a whole lot of canned outrage from the usual gang of “I’m not a bigot! How dare you call me a bigot!” bigots and other assorted semi-professional right-wing pearl-clutchers. But who cares? All that kind knows how do is complain and smear, so let them complain and smear to their hearts content in their noisy internet ghetto. They don’t matter. If they had any taste or real wisdom, they’d look back on their hatchet-jobs and hack screeds and be as embarrassed as a high school kid who’s just puked down his date’s dress. But they don’t seem to have been born with the shame bone. They look the sticky mess they’ve just vomited and think that the rest of us ought to lick it up and then thank them for the opportunity. No thank you, weird internet conservatives, no thank you.

But I don’t want to get negative on Mr. Ellison’s big day. I’ve heard from several people that he’s a thoughtful, approachable guy who genuinely cares about the causes he takes up. If that’s true, and I see no reason to doubt it, I’m glad he’s going to be my next congressperson. He’ll have his work cut out for him, but I’m sure he’s up for it.

To that end, I’ll be so bold as to offer him a little unsolicited advice. First, try not to get a seat next to James Sensenbrenner. I hear he smells. Next, get an apartment in the Adams-Morgan neighborhood of Washington, D.C. They’ve got a lot of good restaurants around there, and it’s a lot less snooty than Georgetown. Thirdly, when you make your inevitable appearance on “Meet The Press”, please do your best to refer to host Tim Russert as “Lil’ Timmy Foo-Foo” at least once. Because that would be pretty funny.

Finally, and most importantly, never forget that you owe everything to Kevin-M and the Insomnia Report. I mean, without my timely endorsement, who knows how this might have ended up? I don’t mention this to be egotistical, of course. Why do I mention it, then? Simply because while Kevin-M may be a kingmaker of Boss Tweed-like authority, he also needs a job. A good job. Like, with government benefits and stuff.

I’ll leave it at that, real subtle-like.

But seriously, congratulations to Mr. Ellison. I’m glad you won. Do us proud in Washington...