Thursday, September 07, 2006

Minnesota Republicans EXPOSED!!!

First, a disclaimer: The Insomnia Report is not funded, supported, endorsed, underwritten or amused by any political party. The content on this site has not been approved, edited, submitted, vetted or ghost-written by any agency, official, organization, group or shadow government. The ideas and content here are solely those of the author and should not be seen as representing the views of the Democratic Party, the Green Party, Amnesty International, the Sierra Club, the Hare Krishnas or the French National Soccer Team. Any mudslinging that takes place in the following or preceding paragraphs is intended only to satisfy its author’s perverse lust for scandal and is not meant to tilt elections in any particular direction, to destroy the reputations of private citizens, or to save democracy as we known it. To raise the suspicion that this wholly personal, totally independent and completely unaffiliated website is “on the take”—in either the financial or ideological senses of the term—of any other standing entity is to make a grave error that, besides being actionable in a court of law, also hurts my feelings and makes me not want to be your friend.

But, all that aside, a little birdy has told me some stuff recently. And, in the interests of the truth and your entertainment, I’m going to pass it on to you people. That’s what it’s all about: me reporting and you deciding. However, if you read my reporting and come to any decision other than the Minnesota Republican Party is an evil band of scalawags unfit to govern a sandcastle, you really ought to ask yourself why you’re such a hideous moron who everyone hates.

Enough. I have candidates to smear. Let’s get to it!

Mark Kennedy–Republican candidate for the United States Senate

The Insomnia Report has heard, on good authority and from at least six anonymous, make-believe sources of the highest caliber, that Mark Kennedy—the Republican endorsed candidate for the United States Senate, I might add—has in the past visited a Washington, D.C. area Applebee’s. On one particular occasion, he was in the company of four other prominent Republicans (we will not dignify by restating them here the scurrilous rumors that these Republicans were Ann Coulter, Ted Nugent, the BTK Killer, and the Devil Himself). Their bill, which I have been given a copy of, came to $53.76. Mark Kennedy, an accountant by training, was delegated the responsibility of calculating the proper tip, which was determined by cultural norms and Republican stinginess to be 15%.

However, the figure Kennedy reached , $7.84, was in reality only 14.6% of the bill! The waitress was, by our calculations, was actually entitled to $8.06!

Unfortunately, Representative Kennedy’s oversight—coupled with several other bad tippers on her shift---resulted in the waitress, one Noelle Gordon, being $3.29 cents short of the $250 she needed to get her car, a Toyota Camry, out of the Fairfax County impound lot. Because this frustrating discrepancy occurred on a Friday, Ms. Gordon found it necessary to ride the bus to work that entire weekend.

According to several accounts, that bus is full of assholes.

And Congressman Kennedy calls himself a C.P.A.? It is to laugh.

Gil Gutknect (or something like that)—Republican candidate for the House of Representatives (First District)

At the Insomnia Report, we respect our nation’s libel laws. That’s why we’re not going to come right out and say that Gil Gutknickknack is a werewolf. We’ve heard things, just like any political insider has, but we haven’t seen much in the way of concrete evidence. And concrete evidence is what we need to not get our asses sued.

All the same, if he loses to challenger Tim Walz, the citizens of our nation’s capital will be able to sleep easier come the full moon. But people in the First Congressional District of Minnesota would be well-advised to keep a keen eye on their livestock. And, if they hold the required permits, perhaps they ought buy some silver bullets.

Michele Bachmann—Republican candidate for the House of Representatives (Sixth District)

Two things about Ms. Bachmann:

1) The Insomnia Report hates to question anyone’s citizenship status, but we could not help but notice that her first name is spelled in the French fashion. Is Ms. MICHELE (note the tell-tale single “l”) Bachmann, in reality, a Frenchwoman? Does Minnesota’s foremost arch-conservative hum the “Marseillaise” in her sleep? Is this “traditional marriage” advocate secretly pining for Bordeaux and Jacques Brel and the comforts of a well-established welfare state?

Your constituents have a right to know, Michele “le gamine” Bachmann!

2) While reading Ms. “Le Petit Parisienne” Bachmann’s website, I happened upon a whole lot of right-wing nonsense and shameless double-speak, of course. But I also happened upon this, in the course of an explanation of her flaccid non-opinions on how our children ( that’s nous garçons et filles, to you Michele) should be educated:

The most important educator of children is parents and guardians. Consequently, the best education system empowers parents with information and allows for greater parental involvement. For that reason, I'm a strong supporter of local control for our schools to ensure the most important decisions are made by parents, classroom teachers, and members of the local community where our children live and attend school. Those closest to our students, not well-intentioned but distant bureaucrats, understand best our students' needs to achieve academic excellence.

That sound you just heard was the cry of pain let loose by grammarians everywhere. As for that first sentence, perhaps someone should have told the candidate that, while the “is” is technically correct since it refers to the singular “educator”, that doesn’t mean that the syntactic clash with the very plural “parents and guardians” is avoided. It would be far better to dispense with all that confusion and just write, “The most important educators of our children are their parents and guardians”. A little wordier, of course, but much easier on the ear. Moving on to the second sentence, I have to take issue with the “empowers parents with information” business. What information? It’s vague, and it distracts from the whole “local control” angle of her argument. Take it out, is what I say. The third sentence is probably her best, sadly enough, but she still overplays her hand at the end where she gasses about “the local community where our children live and attend school”. Isn’t “the local community” alone good enough for you? No one’s going to forget you’re talking about children. You want the sentences to sing, not moan. Hack off the last seven words and you’ll at least start to warble. But, still: the less said about that last sentence, the better.

But, in all fairness, I suppose it’s a pretty good effort for someone whose native language isn’t English.