Monday, March 13, 2006

Attention Candidates!

Soon you will need to get yourself elected. In order to do this, you’re going to have to blow a whole assload of money “getting your message out”. More than likely, this will take the form of incessant television commercials featuring American flags, floating question marks, and various motifs proven to scare old people. I’m sure you’ll agree that these are not the building blocks of an inspiring campaign. Your probably hate that shit as much as anyone. I’m sure it embarrasses you to have your name associated with such lowest-common-denominator marketing moves. That is, of course, unless your name happens to be Mark Kennedy. A fifteen second spot on “the Patriot” is like Proust to that guy, he’s so vapid. If dumb was gasoline, Mark Kennedy alone could end our dependence on the Middle East. I’m serious, that clown is so stupid he thinks Jack Abramoff is something you do with a bottle of hand lotion and an issue of Leg Show.

But I seem to have gone “off-script”, as we say in these political-insider circles. I want to focus on you, the non-Mark Kennedy candidates, the candidates with at least three firing brain cells. I want to tell you about the promise of the new media. And by “new media”, I mean “guys with their own websites”. Let me assure you, this is an untapped influence goldmine, with the potential to revolutionize the political process. Take me, for example. I have, on a good day, somewhere around 50-55 readers. Now, that not might seem like a lot, but you miss the point if you look at the wrong sorts of numbers. Think of it this way: does Cigar Afficionado sell as many subscriptions as People? Do more people watch C-Span or Girls Gone Wild? Which winery do you think sells more bottles, the Chateau de Y’quem or the Thunderbird Vineyards? What I’m getting at here is that although my readers may be few in number, they are all billionaires.

They’re captains of industry, media moguls, reclusive tycoons, elegant princesses, and at least one internationally-known pornographer. These are the sort of people who long to donate thousands and thousands of dollars to their favorite politicians, if only they knew who their favorite politicians were. They don’t follow that sort of thing, you understand, because they’re too busy with their yachts and stock portfolios and whatnot. This is where I come in. I can deliver your vision to this very elite audience of big-money donors and world-class sexy people.

Other “bloggers” (internetese for “guys with websites”) will not be as accommodating in this regard. They are prickly bunch, fond of trumpeting their independence and their integrity and all that crap. These things have never troubled Kevin-M. What troubles Kevin-M is that spring is quickly approaching and he must update his wardrobe. He also wants to visit scenic Montreal. And he’s got his eye on a very costly Ella Fitzgerald box set. In other words, Kevin-M needs money, not some abstract sense of himself as a virtuous person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offering to “sell out”: I prefer to consider this much more of a nonbinding, “rental” agreement.

Let me talk to you now, Mr. Ford Bell. I don’t know shit one about you. I don’t know your stances on abortion, military spending, the budget deficit, government funding for the arts, tax cuts, international affairs, or any of that. I suppose I could find out by reading your website, but I’m pretty busy these days and I’m just not that motivated. And a great deal of made-up research suggests that my powerful, influential, and stunningly-attractive audience is much the same way. You can’t lecture these people, you have to seduce them. That’s why I will, for only $5,000 a pop, write for you a series of “blog posts” which will increase your standing in this elect community immeasurably. Take a look at these headlines and just imagine all the hard currency pouring into your campaign’s bank account:

Ford Bell: Doughty Warrior Of The Northlands

Ford Bell: How can just eight letters spell so much DANGER?

Ford Bell, Saucy as Hell!

I have just met a mysterious wayfarer by the name of FORD BELL!

Ford Bell will solve all of America’s problems and then fix us up on hot dates with fabulous celebrities...

I haven’t written them yet, Ford, but you’d be amazed how quickly I can crank shit out when there’s a fat check waiting for me. And you better act fast, because I’ve got a whole bunch of ideas for Amy Klobuchar too:

Amy Klobuchar saved my life on six separate occasions.

Klobuchar means “Republican Crusher” in Polish

I’ve got a crush on Klobuchar!

Amy Klobuchar sent my entire family to prison but they totally deserved it

Amy Klobuchar has an IQ of 155, but she’s not all snotty about it like that kid in that one movie where that one kid went to college even though he was only like eight...

But, to be either, neither of you need to worry about conflicts of interest on my end. I’m cool with working with both of you. And, while I’m at it, I’ll work for Mike Hatch, Kelly Doran, Becky Lourey, and just about any other Democrat who feels they can benefit from my services. I’m sorry, but my conscience won't allow me to do anything for Republicans, although I will write demeaning and spiteful things about them at any willing Democrat's behest. Because this involves me stooping into the gutter of invective and cruelty and irresponsible viciousness, I feel must ask for $10,000 for each “attack” post. Sure, that may seem steep, but think of the boost your campaign will get when my several dozen readers wake up in the morning, fire up their world-wide webs, and read items such as the following:

I just stood at a urinal next to Tim Pawlenty and now I have something interesting to report

Norm Coleman smells like my great-grandmother, and my great-grandmother has been dead for decades...

They were going to give Mark Kennedy a colonoscopy but they weren’t sure which end of him to stick the tube into

Do you notice that taste in your mouth, Ford? That subtle-but-alluring flavor? How about you, Amy? And you, Mike? Kelly? Becky? You do taste it, don’t you? And you know what that taste is, right? Do you need me to spell it out for you? You do?

It’s the taste of victory, people. Rich, bold, and savory, isn’t it?

I patiently await a message from your people.