Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Are you a decent, well-adjusted, "normal" member of society? Find out here!!!!

I think it’s safe to say that Mr. Sponge did not appreciate Mr. Strom’s patriotism test. I didn’t like it either, of course, but I’d feel terrible if the entire genre of Cosmo-style personality quizzes has discredited by one right-winger’s ill-conceived amateur efforts. Because–dammit!–essential truths about our character can be uncovered by a series of leading questions. Ask any psychologist, they’ll tell you the same.

Seeing as this is so, I would like to submit an emotional inventory of my own devising. This exam, naturally, has been assembled using science’s fanciest methods (which are–unfortunately–too complex and technical to reveal here), with an eye towards drawing subtle, quantitatively-sound inferences about a subject’s condition and nature. More concretely, I was interested in separating the decent, well-adjusted, “normal” members of society from the evil people who must be forcibly deported to Skull Island. I think that’s a goal even the quiz-skeptical Mr. Sponge can get behind. So, without any further ado, allow me to probe your minds...

1) Have you ever taken out an internet personal ad looking for a lonely stranger who’s willing to be killed and eaten in order to satisfy your sick cannibal fantasies?

2) Have you ever answered one of these ads?

3) Are you a professional baseball player with a history of consistently and implausibly denying the use of performance-enhancing drugs?

4) When confronted by some trivial annoyance, is your first instinct generally to blame liberals?

5) Have you failed to consider that your knee-jerk loathing of “liberals” and “liberalism” might actually be an atavistic enactment of some reductive, anti-intellectual good-versus-evil binary that enables you to define yourself, a priori, as a virtuous and courageous rebel in opposition to a corrupt, oppressive, and entrenched “left” that exists only in your feverish, rhetoric-wrecked brain?

6) Do you, in all seriousness, use phrases like “an atavistic enactment of some reductive, anti-intellectual good-versus-evil binary”?

7) That time, in Reno, when you shot a man just to watch him die: was that cool, or what?

8) Are you one of the guys at Chipotle who put sour cream on my burrito even after I specifically said I didn’t want any?

9) Do you sit on a creative writing graduate program’s admissions committee?

10) Your defeated foes–are you drunk on the salty-sweet taste of their freshly spilled blood?

11) Tomorrow you will be appointed Pope. Even for a second, do you consider adopting the name “Pope Sextus Freakus LXIX”?

Now you must total up your “yes” answers and compare them to the following scale:

8-11: You are bad. To Skull Island with you, where you will eat nothing but diarrhea-inducing lichens and uncooked tree shrews!

5-7: Muddle-headed, NPR-listening, patchouli-scented liberals might feel that “there is good in you”, however “deep down”, and that–with hard work and love–you may one day be “rehabilitated”. I, however, am not one of these liberals. Enjoy Skull Island, you second-tier evil people!

3-4: You are probably a danger to society, but not enough of one to be of interest to anybody. You should try harder, for Christ’s sake.

0-2: You are a decent, well-adjusted, “normal” member of society. Keep in mind, though, that this does not necessarily mean that you are a patriot...