Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A match made deep in the bowels of the Heritage Foundation...

This isn’t widely known yet, but my sources tell me that Con-
gress is considering legislation that would make it illegal to run
one of these “weblog” thingies without at least one blowhard
right-winger on staff. You see, this is the media of the future,
and in the interest of balance and fairness and equal time, our
leaders in Washington have begun to take decisive action to
prevent the possibility of trusting citizens being led astray by
partisan, rumor-mongering, impolite leftists spouting off their
communist dogma unchecked. Seeing as this particular site is
a sole proprietorship and seeing how I tend to the liberal side
of things, this means that I must hire a co-blogger so that I
will be in compliance with the new law. A few weeks back, I
extended an invitation to Pat Robertson to join me here at
the Insomnia Report, but I have yet to hear from his people.
Well, I’m sorry Pat, but you missed the boat here. While you
were twiddling your thumbs and asking Jesus for advice, I went
and found myself a new wingman, a better wingman than you
could ever hope to be, with your beady eyes and your squeaky
hayseed voice and your penchant for wishing death upon
world leaders!

My new partner stands poised to revolutionize the world of
conservative blogging. With his hair-trigger hostility, his ab-
solute ignorance about virtually everything, and his furious
sense of self-regard, he promises to raise the art of internet
rhetoric to new levels of hysteria and childish invective. He’s
pissed, he’s got a lot of time on his hands, he’s done a Google
search, and he’s raring to tell you about it. The ACLU? He
hates them! The New York Times? Biased towards socialism!
The Star-Tribune? Ditto! FOX News? Biased towards de-
cency, truth and America! The White House? Ditto, but not
quite conservative enough!

Before we make the formal introductions, let me tell you a
little about him. Born and raised in scenic Anoka County,
Minnesota, he knew at an early age that conservatism was
in his blood. As a child, he memorized the collected speeches
of Richard Nixon and spent many an afternoon pedaling
around his cul-de-sac with his beloved dog, Checkers.
Joining the Young Republicans at age thirteen, he quickly
initiated a “purge” of those “Republicans In Name Only”
(a.k.a. RINOs), who he believed were responsible for the
party’s stagnation. An early advocate of supply-side eco-
nomics, he spent the Reagan years drooling on himself and
composing epic poems about the “glorious symmetry” of
the Laffer Curve. However, his idyll came to a shrieking
halt with the election of Bill Clinton, a tragic incident in our
nation’s history which, perhaps fortuitously, led him into
the wide-open field of complaining incessantly on the inter-
net, an avenue of expression which eventually evolved into
the “political blogs” that we know and enjoy today. Strangely
to some, he did not give up this avocation after the election
of George W. Bush, a man he loves with an almost erotic sense-
lessness, but instead he chose to redouble his efforts to explain
to the world the glory of conservatism and the menace posed
by "the left". Frustration quickly set in, however, once he
realized how liberalism will never be destroyed by being
reasonable and thoughtful and fair all the time. This led him
to suffer what might be called a “nervous breakdown”, from
which he emerged the fearsome warrior of the right that
stands before you today. No more does he quail at calling
his ideological enemies traitors, vermin, and child-molesters!
No more does his conscience trouble him when he suggests
that everyone to the right of David Broder ought to be driven
to a remote location and summarily executed! No more does
he pay attention to his beloved wife of twenty years, Hildegaard,
or his darling children, who are all sliding into shady lives of drug-
abuse, petty crime and promiscuity! He has been reborn in the
healing light of contemporary right-wing thought and emerged
a steadfast combatant in the internet wars! Hell, yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you
my new webpage partner, The Rabid Mister Elmer Mickleford

He will begin his career here sometime next week, with a post
I’m told has been entitled, “Let’s Stop All This Sissy Diplomatic
What-Have-You And Get Serious About Kicking Iran’s Ass”

I’m sure it will make a valuable addition to our national conver-
sation about the Middle East.