An Open Proposal For Pat Robertson

Let’s face it, Pat: you probably won’t be on television much
longer. I know, I know–it’s unfair and ungodly and all that.
I mean, here you are, doing yeoman’s work delivering the
Biblical truth to us sinful masses and all you get in return is
flak and mockery. It’s bullshit, if I may say so. You and I are
on the same page: God isn’t some kindly, benign uncle sitting
up there in the sky, he’s more of a celestial badass hurling
lightning bolts down at those of us who get out of line. I guess
it’s just not “politically correct” to say this in the post-Clinton
era.

We’re men out of time, you and I. Which I why I’m asking
you to leave the decadent, Satanic “old media” behind and
join me in the future.

You see, this blogging thing is a kick, but it’s also a lot of
work. Here’s the thing: I’ve got two jobs, stories to finish,
and at least the semblance of a social life. At times it’s a
challenge for me to find the time to bring my audience
the all-new, thought-provoking, deeply-moral content
the good Lord tells me to write. I’m tapped, Pat. I need
a partner.

I’m thinking we’d make a killer team.

Don’t worry, don’t worry: I’ll start you off easy. You’ll do
Tuesday and I’ll handle all the other days. And don’t think
you have to come up with “ideas” or any of that–all I want
from you is a weekly update on who’s been smote, who’s
next in line for a smiting, and who deserves a good smiting
but–because the Lord works with mystery and wonder–will
not be receiving one. Regarding this latter group: you may,
of course, feel free to discuss the best way our armed forces
can “take out” these people. I’m not interested in silencing
you, Pat: you may use this webpage as a forum to spread
God’s word unfiltered and uncensored.

People out there are hungry to know this stuff. Is Jacques
Chirac cruising for a smiting? How about Kofi Annan?
Howard Dean? Lindsey Lohan? What about my good friend
Mel? She’s a hell of a woman, true, but might she also get
smote one of these days? I hope it will be a gentle smiting,
but I realize that I’m not the one with the instant messenger
connection to the Lord Everlasting Himself. You can tell it
to me straight, Pat. I won’t shackle you. Let that devilish,
unchristian broadcast world go straight to Lucifer. You don’t
need them anymore.

I’d you’d like, I’d even change the name of my (our?) blog
to “The Smiting Report”

Think about it, Pat. Just think about it. That’s all I ask of you.