Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Insomnia Report endorses Mark Kennedy for United States Senator

Don’t worry, dear liberal readers. I have not “sold out”. Re-
publicans have not managed to “hack” my site. Nor have
I gone batshit insane. This is all part of a secret strategy
of mine, a strategy that will–with a little luck—help usher
in a new era of Democratic Party dominance.

You see, a Kevin-M endorsement is as good as the kiss of
death for any political candidate. If I say that I want some-
one to win, that’s like saying they’ll certainly lose. Don’t be-
lieve me? Have a look at some of the candidates I’ve
previously come out in favor of:

1984: Walter Mondale
1988: George Bush*
1992: “I don’t give a fuck who’s president. Why the fuck
should I give a fuck who’s president? Fuck it, fuck them all...”
1996: some Socialist Worker’s Party dude
2000: Ralph Nader**
2004: John “Gangsta Lean” Kerry

* This was an anomaly. And I only wanted him to win
because I thought it would mean the obnoxious kid in my
class who liked to go “Dooo-dooo-kakis! Doo-dooo-kakis!”
all day long would have to stop. And I was only twelve
years old, so give me a break.

** This I am very, very, very sorry for. Much sorrier than
I am about the Socialist Worker’s Party dude.

And these are only the presidential contenders who’s dreams
I’ve dashed! Here’s just a sampling of some of the other political
figures who I have helped consign to the dustbin of history:

1998: “Skip” Humphrey
1998: some guy who wasn’t Rudy Giuliani
2002: Roger Moe
2002: “Buck” Humphrey
2002: Walter Mondale (again!)
2003: some guy who wasn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger
2005: Peter McLaughlin

Whew! Given this record, is it any wonder why I’ve decided
to turn my attention to what I like to call “opposition endorse-
ments”? I’m tired of watching my favored candidates lose. I
want to watch tools and zombies lose. That’s why I’m coming
out in favor of Mark Kennedy. Mark Kennedy should be
Minnesota’s next Senator. Boy, oh boy, do I ever hope Mark
Kennedy wins! Golly, am I ever enthusiastic about Mark
Kennedy’s legislative skills and “down-home” charm! I wish
he could be in the United States Senate forever! Mark
Kennedy! Mark Kennedy! Mark Kennedy!

That should do it. He’ll never win now. You all can thank
me in November. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have some
serious puking to do.