Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Kevin-M for Attorney Generalissimo!

Yesterday, after a series of scandals far too dull to re-hash here, DFL endorsed candidate for Minnesota Attorney General Matt Entenza bowed out of the race. Who gives a shit?, you might ask. Well, I do. I give a big shit, actually. It’s always been one of my goals to wield power over all the“little people” of my home state. Consequently, an opportunity such as this was just too much to pass up. You see, in an alarming number of my fantasies, I hold a bejeweled scepter and ride in a silk-upholstered throne past throngs of supplicating minions. Naked minions. Flowers are thrown in my path and pumas bow down at my command and arriving from far off on the eastern frontier is a saffron-robed envoy. This envoy looks a lot like Colombian singing sensation Shakira. She rides up to my retinue on a steed of the purest white and dismounts with rare grace, approaching me with none of the fear, none of the trembling that she-envoys too often demonstrate when they gaze upon my steely visage. “Your royal highness, the most esteemed and brilliant Warrior Sultan Kevin, I bear with me a message from the Countess. I am under the strictest orders to deliver this message in private...” she purrs and my court gasps in shock. Their murmuring, however, is quickly silenced by my voice, booming out over their pathetic babble. “This pleases me,” I say, “Come, let us repair to the royal sauna...”(*)

You get the picture. What I’m trying to say is that I intend to be Minnesota’s next Attorney General.

I can hear some of you quibble already. Aren’t you already running for Congress?, you might be asking. Well, it’s true, at one point I was a serious contender for the First District seat in the United States House of Representatives. But that campaign is now moribund. I’m afraid that I didn’t read the “So You Want To Be A Congressperson?” fine print carefully enough. If I had, I would have read that a member of the House is expected to live in the district he or she represents. This, to me, is bullshit. I mean, have any of you actually seen Minnesota’s first congressional district? It’s nothing but moo-cows and soybean fields as far as the eye can see! I doubt you could even buy a six dollar latte. Six dollar lattes are important to me. So, I’m sorry, people of that part of Minnesota, but you’re not going to have me up there on Capitol Hill, giving voice to your deepest aspirations and defending your simple values. Get some other clown.

Besides, as your Attorney General, I will be in an even better position to bring forth a golden age of glory, peace and interstellar harmony. Some of my policies might strike the average Minnesotan as “strange” at first, but let’s face it: the average Minnesotan thinks wearing clothes that actually fit is “strange”. So we can’t be tied to their prejudices and preconceived notions, can we? Of course we can’t! If you will, imagine at state where...

—Wal-Mart is only allowed to operate as long as they rent our their buildings to young people to use as anarchist hardcore punk collectives during non-business hours.

—Health care is compassionate, thorough and free of charge for all non-assholes

—Prince is given official clearance and a lavish staff budget in order to determine, once and for all, what the “Minnesota sound” sounds like

—My enemies are summarily executed while my friends magically get all-expenses paid vacations in the South of France

—Minnesota finally begins the paperwork needed to become a province of Canada

—The official state motto is changed from whatever goofy crap it is now to “Minnesota: Where Immigrants Rule And Republicans Drool”

The future promises to be kick-ass, don’t you agree? But, and I hate be a downer here, the future won’t happen at all unless you and all your friends, family and pets get out to the polls and vote for me to become your next Attorney General.

Think of it. Aren’t you sick of having some jackass lawyer as your Attorney General? Wouldn’t you rather have some guy who promises that, every time he gets on television, he’ll shout out the word “scrotum” at least once? Think about it, Minnesota. Think carefully. That’s all I ask of you.

That and a ride to the mall sometimes.

* DISCLAIMER: Not an actual Kevin-M fantasy