Thursday, March 30, 2006

I'll be the world's first semi-anonymous congressman!

My congressman, the debonair and Scandinavian Martin Sabo, has recently announced that he will not seek another term. Because his district is one of the safest Democratic seats in the country, this has touched off a frenzied, interparty battle to become his successor. Candidates are coming out of the woodwork to get the DFL nod, which would then, presumably, lead to a comfy sinecure in the House of Representatives.

Interestingly enough, this news comes at a time when I’m looking for a new job. Becoming a member of the United States Congress would be quite a step up for me, but I’m sure I can handle it. After all, Gil Goowhatever got the job and he’s no great thinker, either. I mean, have you seen his website? If you need someone to hook you up with a tour of Washington, D.C., Gil’s your man. If you want a trenchant analysis of the challenges facing our economy in the 21st century, maybe you ought to look elsewhere. Not to me, of course, but the travel agent shit I can handle. And my Washington tours won’t be boring civics-class affairs like I imagine Gil the Pill’s are. Mine are going to be sexy. The hippest clubs, the swankiest restaurants, the best record stores–that’s what my constituents are going to see, not a bunch of dull jackasses droning on and on about Jeebus knows what.

Yes, I’m afraid I must depart from modesty for a moment to declare that I’m going to be the best fucking congressperson Minnesota’s seen since Prince.

What’s that you say? Prince has never been in Congress?

Well, shit, I guess it’s all me then.

But I have to be honest with you. There is a problem. It’s not money, either: I’ve got a lot of credit cards and I’m willing to sell my parent’s house if that’s what it takes. No, the problem is more technical than that. You see, I don’t like filling out forms, especially official forms. It’s just a thing with me. They make me anxious. And I imagine there are a bunch of documents that need to be taken care of before one gets to be in Congress. This is bullshit, if I may speak frankly. I want to represent you, The People, not some stupid carbon form. That’s just the way I roll.

It’s too bad, because I’m already prepared to issue a series of campaign promises. Here are just a few of my pledges to you, my future constituents:

1) I will put together a snazzy website featuring a picture of me shaking hands with fully costumed Shriners. This website will also have at least one photograph of me walking in a sunny park with a plasticine, beaming, helmet-haired wife. I currently don’t have a wife, but it’s a little-known fact that major candidates are issued a suitable spouse as soon as they make it past the primary process.

2) Do you remember that vampire who was running for governor before the law caught up with him? If he ever returns to Minnesota, I will do battle with him. What’s more, I’ll defeat him and make him my minion for all eternity. I take a hard line on vampires. Especially vampires in politics.

3) My campaign will be comprised mainly of cheap, sophomoric jabs at Gil Goobersnot. I realize that we’re not even in the same district, but that isn’t going to stop me. This is a key part of my maverick appeal.

4) Once in Washington, DC, I assure the people of Minnesota that my entire staff will be required to wear matching space-age grey jumpsuits. They will also be required to refer to me as “The Admiral”.

5) I will only serve, at most, 26 terms in office. After that, I feel it’ll be time to step aside and let the younger generation have it’s say.

6) My official slogan: “If the House of Representatives is a prison, Tom DeLay is my bitch. And he’s all out of cigarettes...