Friday, July 21, 2006

Goin' to Milwaukee

Here’s the deal. In a few hours, I will be heading off for the mysterious and sinister shores of Lake Michigan. Specifically, the municipality of Milwaukee, a place of myth and intrigue. Because I cannot be sure that they have the advanced technology that I require, I probably won’t be able to provide too much fresh content for this website. While I’m gone, please enjoy this list of interesting facts about my glamorous vacation destination:

----Most outsiders pronounce Milwaukee as “Mill-Wahh-Kee”. This is incorrect. According to the natives, it’s actually pronounced “Muh-Wahh-Kee”. And a drinking fountain is a “bubbler”. And a cash machine is a “Tyme Machine”. If the Southeastern Wisconsin Tourism Bureau has a difficult time of it, this kind of trifling bullshit is probably a big reason why.

----Santiago Calatrava’s spectacular addition to the Milwaukee Art Museum is, like, ten times cooler than anything in your lame city. So there.

----The name “Milwaukee” comes from an ancient Algonquin word meaning “only ninety miles from Chicago”.

----Contrary to popular belief, Milwaukee does not smell like beer. It seems like doom, betrayal and broken dreams.

----Milwaukee’s downtown is an appealing, compact city center with an abundance of graceful, well-maintained old buildings. There is, however, one butt-ugly skyscraper that almost ruins the whole effect.

----Jeffrey Dahmer was from Ohio (sort of).

----Minneapolitans tend to be snotty about Milwaukeeans, considering them unsophisticated and uncouth. Milwaukeeans, for their part, like to kill, butcher and eat every Minnesotan they can find.

----Some people, mainly PR flacks, call Milwaukee the “City of Festivals”

----The drive from the Twin Cities to Milwaukee can only be described as “long-assed”

----What do Peabo Bryson, Carmen Electra, Dudley Moore, Condoleeza Rice and Juan Carlos I, the King of Spain have in common? They’re not from Milwaukee!

----I’ve been to Milwaukee about five or six times, and I like it more each time. This is either because it’s one of the most unpretentious, laid-back, and fun cities in the Midwest or because it’s slowly poisoning me with its evil.

Have a good weekend everybody. I’ll catch up with you all on Monday...