Friday, July 21, 2006

Kittens with two faces: are they FRIEND or FOE?

It might be just me, but it seems like more and more kittens are being born with two faces. As to why this may be, I’m afraid I’m not qualified to say. It could be global warming, it could be radiation in the groundwater, it could be the contemptible trickery of SATAN, or it could be just a fluke. Who knows? What I do know is that a world where two-faced felines run rampant is a world very different from the one I grew up in. A world where the sky was blue, the dirt was dirty, and kittens reliably had but one face.

It’s probably too early to determine how all this will shape up. Will the two-faced kittens be a force for universal enlightenment and peace? Will they seize command our souls and force us into servitude and perdition even in the afterlife? Or will they be morally-neutral, like regular faced kittens? We will have to wait to learn the answers to these questions. Also ambiguous is just what these two-faced kittens will eat with their two freakish mouths. My gut feeling is that they will have an insatiable lust for human pancreas, but I’ve been wrong about these sorts of matters before. We do know one thing, however: kittens with two faces can communicate with ghosts via telepathy. Science has proven this. Only the superstitous and stupid dispute this.

Now, if I may be so indiscreet as to bring up politics, I must say that I hope that the dawning of the age of the two-faced kittens does not become a partisan issue. I know, I know, these are polarized times and it often seems like eventually everything must take a side on the left-right spectrum that we’re so infatuated with. Still, allow me to be the first to raise my voice in favor of a bipartisan approach to the two-faced kitten dilemma. While I have, in the past, strongly criticized our President and will continue to do so, I have to admit that his handling of Klaadar, the 400-foot long squid-beast that recently attacked Baltimore Harbor, was appropriate, firm, and competent. Not only did he protect the citizens of that great city from being devoured by a vicious, horribly mutated crustacean, he also managed to prevent the vast majority of Americans from finding about it.

I concur heartily with this approach. Not only is it the appropriate one for dealing with Klaadar and his Atlantis-bred, bloodthirsty ilk, it is also the only responsible way to save our species from the Pod People of the barren ice planet Drambek, from an army of amoral Morpho-Droids, and–of course–from the dreaded Eye of the Aztecs. As of now, we cannot be sure whether or not these kittens should be counted among these terrible scourges of humankind.

But, as the wise among us understand, the last thing we need is a panic on our hands.