Regarding Neck Rub-gate

Dear President Bush,

Stay away from the Chancellor. Stop working your goofy frat-boy moves on her, stop staring at her from across your little G-8 summit meetings, stop trying to pass her silly love notes written in your execrable German. In other words, just stop.

Because I saw her first. Do you hear me? I saw her first. And I love her more. You can bring nothing to this woman besides a regretted fling, an abiding distaste for Brut aftershave and an embarrassing silence in many future conversations. In the great Siegfried myth that we’re living in, you are Hagen. Trust me, our Brunnhilde wants nothing to do with you.

You oughta stick with Laura. She’s more your speed.