17 reconsidered birthday presents for Tara...

1) Giant, glowy-eyed portrait of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior (Jesus and "birthday fun" not strongly correlated)

2) Lifetime supply of microwaveable burritos (wasn’t sure whether she prefers the beef or chicken variety)

3) Credence Clearwater Revival CD (she’d only ridicule it)

4) The Elephant Man’s skull (Michael Jackson refused to part with it)

5) A neurotic-but-affectionate poodle (she already has one)

6) Big ol’ box of Franzia wine (I drank it all myself and---damn!--was it ever goooood...)

7) A special, one-time only command performance of my future country hits (prospect just too horrifying to consider)

8) A new era of Democratic Party dominance in Washington, D.C. (not in my power)

9) A gift certificate for the services of Minneapolis’ finest pedicurist (don’t know who Minneapolis’ finest pedicurist is, don’t want to convey the message that I think her feet “need work”)

10) Beautiful, hand-sewn magic vampyre cloak (she’d never wear it)

11) The fused liver of famed Siamese twins, Cheng and Eng (Mutter Museum security guard tackled me, took it away)

12) A psychological diagnostic device of such elegant simplicity that the predatory venture capitalists of the world would descend en masse to exploit its brilliant inventor if I even went so far as to mention its name in a public forum such as this* (she’s already got one)

13) The opportunity to serve as chief hand-holder at the First Annual Kevin-M Chest-Waxing (not really much of a gift at all, I have to admit)

14) Framed, autographed Bill O’Reilly publicity still (Bill O’Reilly is a major dickweed)

15) Dinner at her choice of metro area Red Lobster restaurants (I prefer Applebee’s)

16) A private audience with the Pope (Tara not Catholic; current Pope somewhat frightening)

17) A six-month retreat at the Insomnia Hacienda, a luxury spa/vacation community located in a secluded cove on the island of Formentera, Spain’s most up-and-coming Balearic Island (“Insomnia Hacienda” not a real place and, besides, she’s already going on a jealousy-inducing international vacation)


*This is an inscrutable in-joke. Please forgive me.