Saturday, April 01, 2006

Chickens in the breadpan picking out dough!, or my incredibly bad country tunes--part two

Of course, there's more to country music than just lovelorn balladry. There's also a great many songs that are meant to get you revved up to get out with your convoy and hit the town 'til morning comes. If I want to become the Jerome Kern of the cowboy set, I'm going to have to master this mode as well. However, I plan on steering clear of the "rebellious" stance so much of this genre adopts. No, there will be nothing "edgy" in my craft. Leave that to the rock-and-roll and the hippity-hop and whatever else it is these punk kids are listening to these days. I'm aiming my art at the Branson set, the homeschooled set, the folks out there who don't like Kris Kristofferson because he's too intense and aggressive. When it's time for me to "kick out the jams" (so to speak), I try to mix a boot-scootin' good time with Dr. Phil style crypto-psychologizing. That way, I can blend two bad things at once and, with any luck, reap the rewards of this nation's love affair with the profoundly awful.

To this effect, I present to you my newest ditty, a little gem I'd like to call "If Life Is A Bowling Alley, I Just Rolled A Perfect Game".

You got to step up to the lane
If'n you wanna roll with me
Strike, spare or split--it's all the same
You gotta be how you gotta be
In yer fine blue jeans and yer button down shirt
Them gutters'll still put on the hurt
Let me tell ya people, ain't no time to complain
And don't go gettin' yer gun
'Cause just like life, there's always another frame
And the most important thing is fun
(Fun. That's what it's all about, folks...)

Listen here, I know what I'm sayin'
'Cause if life's a bowling alley
I just rolled a perfect game
I just rolled a perfect game

They're gonna put my name up on the wall
Gonna retire my thirty pound ball
From here on out, I'm gonna play for free
And all the little kids, they look up to me
And let me tell you people, real and true
What happened to me can happen to you
I ain't nothin' special, I'm just a man
Let me tell it to you so you'll understand
Y'all gonna ask me what it took?
Just one thing: a positive mental outlook!
(A positive mental outlook, baby!)

Oh yeah, ladies and gentlemen, ain't no shame!
'Cause life is a bowling alley
And I just rolled a perfect game
I just rolled a perfect game
Whoaoaah! Yeah!

[Here there should be a fast fiddlin' break, followed by a fast slide guitar solo, followed by a brief guitar and fiddle "freak out" section]

Got folks comin' round
Askin' for my autograph
Got ladies all over town
I just haveta laugh
In my brand new truck with the flag on the rack
"Number one bowler" painted on the back
Yeah, I've got it good, I've paid my dues
I've earned the right to stand in these bowling shoes
I ain't saying I'm better than anyone else
Less'n it comes to bowlin, that speaks for itself
(Speakin' about bowling, y'all...)

[Here the chorus should be repeated something like seventeen or eighteen times, with minor variations each time. I would put them all down here, but I don't have the stomach...]

Yeee-haw! That's got Nashville number one hit written all over it! Take that Big 'n Rich! Who's your daddy? It's me! I'm your daddy, Big 'n Rich! Me! Your daddy! Yeee-haw!

Ahem. Excuse me.

I'm so very sorry.