Thursday, February 02, 2006

An onslaught of really bad pick-up lines...

--“Damn! I thought I was looking at Mariah Carey for a
second there, but now that I see your shoes, I realize that
you must just be a dental hygienist or something...”

--“You know what you are? You’re the only girl in this
whole place who hasn’t rejected me yet.”

--“Do you think I have a high and squeaky voice? Because
sometimes I worry that I might have a high and squeaky
voice. I’m not sure, though, because you know how you
never hear how your own voice sounds? In my head, my
voice isn’t high and squeaky, but in real life–who knows?
It might be high and squeaky. That’s why I’m asking.
You’re pretty, by the way...”

–“My name? Draculos! My favorite band? The Cure! My
mood? Somber! My interests? Role playing, the dark arts,
and lite B&D! My goal? Your satisfaction!”

–“A lot of times women think that some guy who drives a big,
rusted-out conversion van with no rear windows must be some
kind of serial killer. Please let me prove to you that this isn’t
always the case...”

–“I was reading this book in my semiotics class at Harvard
that said that women are getting tired of being penetrated
all the time and now they want to start penetrating men. Is
that true? Because I’ve been thinking that I’d be kind of into

–“I’m an actor. You might have seen me in “I Got the
”. Cop Number Two? That was this guy right
here, sweet thing...”

–“I hate my job, I hate my family, and I hate my friends.
You seem alright, though.”

–“Excuse me, miss! I’m not sure how to break this to you
delicately, but you’ve been walking around with a great big
cameltoe all night. It's been distracting everyone.”

–“I’m a proud, conservative Republican.”

–“Baby, I was going to come up to you with some silly line,
but you’re just so magical I think I’ll just hum the theme
song to ‘Hill Street Blues’ to you...[Here you must hum the
theme song to ‘Hill Street Blues’]

–“I’m wearing women’s panties right now, but not because
I’m some kind of weirdo. They just don’t make men’s under-
wear in my size.”

–“If I looked half as good as you, I’d stay at home and play
with myself twice as much as I already do. Does that make
sense at all?”

–“You might think it’s silly, but I think that Jesus Christ is
personally invested in whether or not I get laid tonight.”

–“I’ve got a cigarette lighter, a whole bunch of metham-
phetamine, and an apartment with no furniture in it. Who
wants to touch my butt?”

–“Have you ever had sex with a guy with a colostomy bag?
You haven’t? Well, admit it, you’ve always been kind of
curious about what it’s like, haven’t you? Don’t be shy.
Every girl has...”

–“If I were a condom, I’d be the kind with a reservoir tip.
Wait! No! I got that wrong! Hold on, hold on: let me think
for a second...just let me think! Okay, okay, okay! I’ve got
it! If I were a condom, I’d glow in the dark! Get it, because...
oh, shit. I did it wrong again. Give me one more chance!
Just one more! Come back! Okay! Here it is! I figured it
out! For real this time! If I were a condom, I’d be ribbed
for your pleasure! How’s that? Nice, huh? Ribbed for
your pleasure, baby! Oh, yeah!”

–“May I buy you a drink? Actually, I’m a little hard up this
week. Can I just give you mine? It’s a Bass. I hardly had
any of it. And I’m not sick or anything.”

–“You’re just like my mother. Except that you’re really hot
and my mother’s kind of old. I bet the two of you would get
along real good.”

–“Don’t you get tired of the bar scene? I mean, aren’t all
these people so fake? Aren’t they just the dirtiest, filthiest,
most disgusting array of fakers you’ve seen in your entire
life? God, I despise them and their cheap, shabby fakery!
Oh, but don’t worry, my fair one–they’ll burn soon enough!
Oh yes, they’ll burn! Each and every faking one of them, all
burning for eternity as we eat grapes on a shining hill, laugh-
ing and frolicking in our gowns of radiant light and chastity.
The Redeemer is coming back. Mark my words, my gentle
lamb, His Kingdom is waiting for us...”

–“I have a blog.”