Friday, January 27, 2006

I've got something to say to John Kerry

Hello, Senator Kerry. My name is Kevin. I gave you $200
when you were running for President. I tell you this not so
you’ll feel indebted to me, but so that you’ll know that I’m
a true friend. And rest assured there’s no hard feelings from
me for how that election turned out. Unlike many on the left,
I don’t blame you. Instead I blame that beady-eyed, faux-
Texan warmonger who’s installed himself in the office that’s
rightfully yours.

But I didn’t come here to hash over the past with you. I’m
writing this because I hear that you’re thinking of filibustering
this loathsome new Supreme Court nominee
. Good for you!
I support you all the way. I have moved you permanently
over into the “Democrats With Spine” category, a piece of
real estate that is–for the moment–wide open and pretty
much unspoiled.

Oh, the right will bleat and thunder, but you don’t worry
about that, do you? I mean, for Christ’s sake, give them a
chance and those people will bleat and thunder because you
don’t get your hair cut at Great Clips. There’s just no pleas-
ing them, is there? So let’s ignore them for now.

My concern is this: do you have enough to read for this
filibuster? Do you have the materials picked out already?
Because, if you don’t, please allow me to forgo modesty and
point you towards my Samuel Alito poetry. It would tickle
my ego to have it read into the Congressional Record, that’s
for sure. And no one would argue that it isn’t appropriate to
the occasion. You weren’t thinking of reciting the Washington
phone book or some Bible passages, were you? That shit’s so
Strom Thurmond. It’ll make you look old-fashioned. You
don’t want to look old-fashioned. Not when you’re gonna
be on C-SPAN.

I’ll tell you what, you get this filibuster thing started and
I’ll supply you with an epic Samuel Alito poem. A poem that
will go on as long you need it to. If it will help my country out,
I will gladly write six thousand pages about you and Alito’s
mighty struggle for the soul of our nation. It will be, if I may
be permitted to say, Homeric in scope and content. Just let
me know, and I’ll start in on it right away.

Oh, and if your filibuster defies the predictions of all known
commentators and critics and actually works, I’ll get a picture
of you in your windsurfing outfit tattooed on my back and
proudly go shirtless until the day I die. That’s a promise.