Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The State of the Union Address I'd Rather Hear

(Dear blog readers: this is about as far from intelligent com-
mentary as one can get. It is petulant, rude, and goofy. It's
been a hard century for us liberal Democrats, so you have to
forgive us our occasional cheap shots and coarse humor.)

My fellow Americans, I suck. I really do. I say this not as empty
rhetoric, not as a campaign slogan, and not as simple partisan
blather. I just suck. I suck big-time. You can add up all the
sucky aspects of all the Presidents who have come before me
and you still wouldn’t even have the shadow of the suckitude
I bring to the Oval Office every morning. I sucked as Yale
cheerleader, I sucked as an oil tycoon, I sucked as a baseball
team owner, and I sucked as Governor of the great state of
Texas. Now, thanks to many of you out there, I have had the
opportunity to suck as your President. For two terms, no less.
For this I thank you and, because of the many gifts you have
given me, I feel the best honor I can bestow on you tonight is
simple honesty.

That is why I say I suck. I suck suck suck. Suck a-duck-duck-
duck. Who sucks? This guy right here behind the fancy podium:
George Walker Suckadee Bush, reporting for duty.

[pause for applause]

But I couldn’t suck this badly alone. I have had help from
many, many sucky Americans. Candor forces me to admit
that I am but one pile of rancid goo in the fetid, Kansas-sized
landfill that is your government. I may be skipper of the U.S.S.
Suckopolis, but I can’t for a moment pretend that I haven’t had
one of the suckiest crews imaginable. So I’d like to extend my
gratitude to my first mate, Dick “Sucking Chest Wound” Cheney,
who has helped make me into the bulwark of suck that stands
before you today.

[pause briefly for applause]

And also to Condeleeza “Secretary of Suck” Rice, Alberto
“Torture Suck” Gonzalez, Bill “Suck, M.D.” Frist, Tom “The
Sucker” DeLay, and–the newest member of Team Suck–
Samuel “Supreme Suck” Alito. With a bunch like this at the
helm, it is no wonder we have been able to steer America into
suckier waters than any previous administration.

[pause for applause]

Yet, in the spirit of brotherhood and reconciliation, I would like
also to extend my gratitude to the loyal sucky opposition., who
have been so good as to suck in their aims of unseating me. I
won’t go so far as to call them Suckocrats, as some might, but
I will gladly extend to them Junior Suck status in my town of
Suckington D.C. This one’s for you, Joe “Please Let Me Suck”
Lieberman, Joe “Shall I Suck A Little Quieter?” Biden, and Ken
“Suckazar” Salazar of Colorado. You suck no less than the suck-
ers on my side of the fence, and I’m proud to call you my ene-

[pause very briefly for applause, drink water]

I also have not forgotten the contributions of the millions of
unsung Americans who felt that I wasn’t quite sucky enough
to get rid of. You were wrong, but you have my gratitude
regardless. I would go out and have a beer with every last
one of you, only I don’t drink and I’m actually a spoiled rich
boy who actually doesn’t have anything at all in common with
you, so it would be awkward and strange and I’m really doing
you a favor by sparing you the experience. It will be best for
all of us if you never learn how much I suck. So here I urge
you to turn your television to “American Idol” or something
of that nature. All you’ll see here is a bunch of wrinkly, jowly
people applauding every twenty seconds. It sucks too much
to bear.

[pause for thunderous applause]

It is clear to all of us tonight that America has come a long
way in terms of sucking. We stand on the threshold of a sucky
economy, we are embroiled in a brutal war which promises
to suck our strength even more than it already has, and our
citizens are free to choose among several of the suckiest
health plans the industrialized world has to offer. Rich people
from all walks of richness are more able to suck at their com-
pany’s profits than ever before and the shopping-slash-dining
options in America’s small towns and rural communities suck
like never before. What’s more, political discourse–an area
with a long and proud history of sucking–now sucks like a
Vegas hooker on crystal meth. I take credit for all these
accomplishments. Bow down before me, Congressional peons!

[pause for applause, bowing]

However, it is obvious that we can suck even more. Americans
have never settled for second-best status in the great race to
ultimate suckosity. We can find new and innovative ways to
suck. We can suck harder in our schools, in our communities,
and in our hearts. I am confident that we carry with us the
inner suck to make all our dreams of fantastic suckness come
true. Specifics have never really been my “thing”, so I won’t
bore you with them here. Let me just assure you one and all:
the suckiest is yet to come! God bless you! God bless America!

[pause for applause, smirk, drink water]