Friday, December 09, 2005

This "Sicilian Wrap" Is Filled With Whipped Death

Today, in the cafeteria where I work, I bought something
that billed itself as a “Sicilian Wrap”. Now, I live in Minn-
esota, where it is wise to lower your expectations when it
comes to ethnic foods, especially ethnic foods that have
been sitting in a plastic box on a shelf of a cooler in the
basement of a large institution. And I must further admit
that the “Sicilian Wrap” didn’t LOOK particularly Sicilian.
From what I could tell through the aforementioned plastic
packaging, it just looked like a bunch of meat and cheese
bundled in a green tortilla with some iceberg lettuce and
a few slices of past-its-prime tomato. So I wasn’t expect-
ed the unique flavors of the Mediterranean to wash over
me with every bite of it or anything. All I wanted from it
was for it to be more edible than the usual egg-salad or
“blue-cheese” chicken wraps they usually foist upon the
public. I was actually a little excited about it, I have to
admit. I might have even thought, “Oh boy! A Sicilian
wrap! Finally, a healthy and delicious entree for me!”

But, yet again, my innocent and beautiful dreams were
soiled by the horror and misery that is reality. The first
bite of my “Sicilian Wrap” was fine, even pleasing. The
finely-sliced luncheon meat within contrasted gently
with the vaguely pesto-flavored wrap, producing a
melange of mouth sensations that was both compelling
and comforting. From there, however, it all went to shit.
On my second bite, I noticed a distinct–and distinctly un-
pleasant–tang, but I discounted it. I was still in my “honey-
moon phase” with this wrap. I was very hungry and I was
blind to its true nature. It wasn’t until shortly after my
third bite that the scales fell from my eyes: this “Sicilian
Wrap” was slathered in mayonnaise.

I like to think of myself as a tolerant man, but there are
certain things I just cannot abide. One of them is mayon-
naise. It is the most foul condiment ever loosed upon the
earth. Like Republicanism, it corrupts everything it touches.
In a way, it is awe-inspiring: never before have nature and
science come together to produce a substance so gruesome.
It has the consistency of mucus, it looks like semen, and it
tastes like the scrapings from an old goat’s colon. That so
many people enjoy this wretched viscous sludge is convin-
cing proof that the world is a chaotic and cruel place. I
would rather lick the old puke off a frat-house toilet lid
than eat a dish with mayonnaise in it. I would rather pull
out my own eyeballs and invite a swarm of bees into the
bloody sockets. I hate mayonnaise.

And this “Sicilian Wrap” didn’t just have a few subtle dabs
of it. No, no: whoever made it had chosen to pour entire
gobs of the stuff right down the middle. The room spun
around me as I saw the murky white pool just inches be-
yond where I had stopped eating, with mounting dread
I felt something slimy break free of the far end and trickle
down my wrist. It just goes to show the way one’s life can
drastically shift in a single instant: one moment I was my
happy and normal self, but in the next I had actually eaten
mayonnaise!!! When the waves of nausea subsided, I found
I still had the presence of mind to throw the accursed thing
in the trash. I was out five bucks, of course, but I was no
longer hungry. Mayonnaise does that to a person. It takes
away their will to perform basic biological functions. Look at
the decline of our culture and look at the rate of mayonnaise
consumption: I think you’ll find the data is startling.