Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Nineteen things to scream out at the height of ecstacy that sound better than "Who's the assmaster? Huh? Who is it? Who's the assmaster?"

For the context of this, please read my puerile anecdote
below. Also, note that I understand that one does not
necessary give much thought to originality or probity
while they’re far gone into the throes of bodily ecstacy.
If you’re concerned with grammar or wisdom or making
pithy witticisms at such moments, you should probably
take some time out (once you’re finished with the bus-
iness at hand, of course) and reconsider your life.

That being said, as a public service, I shall provide this list
of exclamations to the public domain, allowing anyone who
suffers from a lack of verbal inspiration at moments of trans-
cendent bliss to have a ready supply of brilliant banter at
hand. Some of these, however, are longer than the average
excited utterance, so if you’d like to use these, I recommend
at least a little rehearsal first. Also, I tried to make the list
as unisex as possible, but this proved a difficult task. My
apologies to any ladies who feel that my ideas don’t include
their experience. But, as far as that goes, it seems the
fairer sex is somewhat less prone to shouting out embarr-
assing, moment-killing nonsense to begin with, so perhaps
they don’t need my input as much. Anyway, here goes...

1) “Shiver me timbers!”

2) “Smokey! The Bear! Says! Only you! Can Prevent!
Forest Fires!”

3) “Oh, my sweety-cakes! I’m in ‘the zone’!”

4) “Merle Haggard...Willie Nelson...Hank Williams...Hank
Williams, Junior...Hank Williams the Third!...Steve EARLE!
...JOHNNY CASH!...Yeah, baby, JOHNNY CASH!”

5) “I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done
justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no
imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he
who will never consent to subordinate you
I only am he who places over you no master,
owner, better, God, beyond what waits
intrinsically in yourself.” *

6) “Hoooooo-DAH!”

7) “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

8) “Has anyone around here seen my car keys? Anyone?
Anyone? Anyone?”

9) “I’m rubber and you’re glue and—mmmmmmmmmmm!—
bounces...off...me...and sticks...to youuuuuuuuu...”

10) “Trans-Europe Express!...Trans-Europe Express!...Trans-
Europe Express!...Trans-Europe Express!” **

11) “Mon amour! J’ai faim pour vous, mon petit oiseaux! Je
rein sais un amour plus profunde!”

12) “I’m sorry about the other night...”

13) “Where am I? What’s this? What am I doing? Who the
hell are you? Aiiiiiieeeee!”

14) “Say my name! Now say your name! Now your social
security number! Now your mother’s maiden name! Now
your Visa number!”

15) “Sweet Jesus, it stings!”

16) “I realize now that blazing charity
takes a man’s breath away, holds him tongue-tied:
he is not burning who has the strength to speak.” ***

17) “With a kitten named Mittens, a monkey named Mister
Funky, and a puppy named Floppy-Ears, little Timmy and
wee Susie Sit-Inside walked all the way to Grandmama Good-
lovin’s house!”

18) “Guh. Guh. Guh. Gaaaaaaaaah! Guhhhhhhh!”

19) “Holy shit! You’re not Angelina/Brad! You’re that chick
from ‘Murder, She Wrote’ [Angela Lansbury]/You’re that
guy from ‘Saved By The Bell’! [“Screech”]”

* With my profoundest apologies to Walt Whitman
** With further apologies to Kraftwerk
*** I’m very, very sorry Petrarch and your fine translator,
J.G. Nichols