Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ah, to be a passive-aggressive Minnesota Republican...

Do you understand how persecuted I am? Do you know
what an ungodly torment it is to live in a place where many
people completely fail to agree with you? Every day–every
single day!–I must leave my comfortable home in my com-
fortable cul-de-sac and travel on steadily deteriorating roads
to offices and streets and restaurants where people who think
differently than me wander around acting like that’s absolutely
alright! In fact, some of these creatures, are actually proud
of holding viewpoints which are not mine! They speak up
as though they think they’re right, as though they don’t
know in their heart of hearts that they’re utterly, hideous-
ly and unAmericanly wrong! I don’t know how much longer
I can take it. I’m beginning to think I might have to escalate
the icy stares I sometimes shoot the guy at Starbucks who
wears all those Wellstone buttons.

And the bias! Can I vent for a minute about the smothering,
hateful bias that permeates every square centimeter of this
state? Why, just yesterday, in a weak moment, I opened up
the local paper and read a letter to the editor which strongly
implied that the President does not know how to run the
country! Imagine that! The President from my Party!
What’s more, there was a cartoon on the same page showing
him–and this is the President of the United States of America,
the greatest and kindest and most amazing country the world
has ever seen, mind you–with BIG EARS! Why do these
people hate so much? Where does their unholy fury come
from? Is it stupidity or out-and-out evil? How can they look
at themselves in the mirror after a day spreading such
noxious and contrary opinions? One day I’m going to cancel
my subscription. That’ll teach them to stop being such one-
sided, Stalinist, anti-decency President criticizers!

I try to get most of my information from people who agree
with me in all things. That way I know I’m not getting
slanted news. If I had to rely on the pitiful, socialistic,
success-hating “mainstream media”, I’d only have a vague
feeling inside that Democrats are traitors, Muslims want to
kill us all, the United Nations wants to take my guns away,
and gay people will want to marry my cat if we give them
any more rights. However, thanks to the internet and the
input of people who see things exactly the way I do, I now
have tons of evidence for all these truths and more! Thank
you internet! You have given me the mental weaponry I
need to defeat these henious, duplicitous, scheming, idiotic,
cowardly “moonbats” in all the debates that I imagine my-
self having with them! Man, just the other day I fantasized
myself whipping the rhetorical ass of that one lefty down in
marketing! He was left there almost crying after being faced
by the superior reasoning and ruthless logic I wield in my

And let me tell you something else: my tax burden is too
high! And the French aren’t very nice people! And neither
are the Germans, usually! But they’re better than the
French! The British, however, are good! They’re our allies!
I hear that they have a bad tax burden over there too, though.
I’m sure Tony Blair will be getting to it as soon as this war
blows over, though! He seems like the kind of guy I’d like to
have a beer with, that Tony Blair. I bet we’d have a good time,
there in Buckingham Palace. I can see us now, sitting there,
drinking beer, making fun of those goddamn French! And the
Germans, if they’re being bad that week! And that bitch from
the legal department, who told me that one time I should stop
talking about international stuff since the furthest I’ve been is
Wisconsin! That bitch! Oh, I’m sure Tony would put her in
her place with that accent they all have. Me and Tony, we’re

We’re eventually going to kick ass over there in Iraq. We
just have to get all these whiners and peaceniks and the
blame-America-firsters to shut the hell up and get behind
the cause of democracy and freedom for once in their spoil-
ed, pampered little lives. This is why I make it a personal
point to treat even the mildest criticism of the Pentagon as
a vile assault on the character of Our Armed Forces, every
member of which I love unreservedly and support whole-
heartedly. Do you think we could win a war with an army of
Democrats? No, of course not! They’d be too busy bawling
for Hilary Clinton to come save them! The terrorists would
laugh at them! Even though the terrorists and the Demo-
crats are good friends! That’s how terrible the terrorists are!
Sometimes I wish a terrorist would try to break into my
house. You better believe that I’d show that Islamofascist
piece of you-know-what the business! I tell you what, you
give me ten minutes alone in a room with an unarmed, tied-
up, and not-too-physically imposing terrorist and I’ll teach
him a little lesson about American values! Hell, yeah! Fan-
tasizing about punching terrorists gets me PUMPED! I can’t
wait to fire up the internet and learn how many more of them
we’ve killed!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Let me take it down a notch right now to tell you just how
much I love this rich, bountiful, beautiful, God-kissed
country of ours. Here’s a place where all it takes to succeed
is hard work and good values, a land where everyone can pull
themselves up by their bootstraps and make enough money
to own whatever they want. This deep and soul-nourishing
love of mine extends even to Minnesota, although I generally
exclude Minneapolis and most of St. Paul from it. The rest
of the state is fine, however. Particularly Anoka and Dakota
counties. Those are my favorites.

But, as everyone with two brain cells must know, the entire
country is a glorious and awesome place which everyone in
all the lesser countries of the world should envy and respect.
Except for Taxachussets and California, where even Arnold
Schwarzeneggar can’t keep a reign on all the weirdos. San
Francisco is the worst. Sometimes I imagine a great earth-
quake shaking San Francisco right into the sea and finally
ridding us of all those smug latte types, gay activists, tax-
and-spenders, and other assorted flotsam. Wouldn’t that
be great? Wouldn’t it teach all those anti-religion, anti-
patriot, anti-everything-good-and-proper losers a little
respect, if they all died horribly? It would serve them right,
I think. Death to liberals! Die, liberal, die! Die! Die! Die!


Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Target and pick
up some bathroom spackle and a box of tampons for my