Monday, October 09, 2006

Time out for toilet humor

Sometimes I feel that the English language’s repertoire of smutty slang terms is a little too small for my taste. And other times I feel that book nerds like me too often act like the surest ticket to renown and immortality is to write a brilliant novel, a piquant short-story, or an impassioned essay. These things are over-rated, I feel. A far more flattering accomplishment would be to contribute a new swear word to the lexicon. My good friend Mel has already made her mark on this scene by popularizing the expression “fuckchop”, an insult so intense and damning that it should only be applied to the worst sleazebags, lechers, and Vice-Presidents out there.

It might be childish of me, but I want to give birth to a beautiful new bad word too. In my old age, I want to be able to stroll the assisted living center with my head held high, secure in the knowledge that I’ve helped to make our language coarser. To that end, here are ten brand new curse words. Please do your best to use them whenever appropriate.

1) PRANG (noun): The most prominent vein on the male sexual appendage.

Suggested usage: “Before I answer that question, Mr. Russert, I have to suggest that you lick this mustard off of my prang...”

Suggested usage: “Man, she’s so hot she makes my prang want to jump out of its skin...”

2) CANDIRÚ (noun/verb): Any severe and agonizing injury to the genitals.

Suggested usage: “Man, the worst candirú I ever had was that time I got it caught in my zipper...”

Suggested usage: “I swear to God, if you call me ‘Little Missy’ again, I’m gonna candirú you so hard you’re never going to be able to use it again...”

3) BI-PARTISANSHIT (verb): The act of defecating and urinating during the same visit to the toilet.

Suggested usage: “We would have made a lot better time on our road-trip if Doug would have just learned to bi-partisanshit...”

4) WANKHOLE (noun): The unmentionable minutes of the day that someone spends playing with themselves.

Suggested usage: “I tried calling Stevie, but he didn’t answer. He must be deep in the wankhole...”

5) REPUBLI-LOVE (noun): A disturbing and disturbingly common S&M activity in which the passive partner is repeatedly humiliated, dominated and left unsatisfied by the active partner, who then goes on to portray him/herself as the noble, self-sacrificing victim of the relationship.

Suggested usage: “I never thought I’d ever try Republi-love, but since Earl’s got that premature ejaculation problem, it’s pretty much all he’s capable of...”

6) GROINLETS (noun): Detached pubic hairs left in public view, most commonly in a bar of soap.

Suggested usage: “Oh yeah, I used to think Cindy was some sort of clean freak, but then I saw the soap she uses. That thing’s got so many groinlets on it, it looks like a damp hamster...”

7) TAHITIAN TREAT (noun/verb): Urine that comes out bright red. Or, alternately, the act of urinating such a substance.

Suggested usage: “After that candirú last month, I never thought I’d stop making Tahitian Treat...”

Suggested usage: “If you’re going to the bathroom, don’t use the first stall. Trust me, the thing is full of Tahitian Treat...”

8) DEM-FLOWERING (noun/verb): A portmanteau of “Democrat” and “deflowering”. A sexual experience in which one partner constantly asks the other whether he/she “really likes this”, whether “this is okay”, etc., etc. Basically, any sexual experience that’s ruined by one partner’s attempt to cover up their awkwardness and insecurity by refusing to shut up.

Suggested usage: “I totally got demflowered last weekend. It was horrible. At one point he even started to cry...”

9) DEFPLOSION (noun/verb): Any trip to the toilet so “productive” that you’re embarrassed to have other people use it after you’re finished.

Suggested usage: “Dude, stay out of there for awhile. I was in there, taking my morning bipartisanshit and I totally had, like, this earth-shattering defplosion! Whooooooo!”

10) LIL’ ABNER (noun): A very, very, very small male sexual appendage.

Suggested usage: “Not only was it the worst demflowering I’ve ever had, the guy had a Lil’ Abner on him that even a Republi-lover could laugh at...”