Friday, October 06, 2006

Things I know that I wish I didn't know

1) What it feels like to bang your foot hard against a broken air conditioning unit and then having to spend the rest your morning picking sock fuzz and chunks of toenail out of the gory mess that used to be your big toe.

2) That, in Africa, the hippopotamus kills more humans than any other animal. The hippopotamus can run over 20 miles per hour in order to crush you with its tremendous head, stomp you with its four ton body, and bite your head off with its gaping, toothy mouth. When they’re not slaughtering the innocent, hippopotami spend their days flinging a fetid cocktail of dung and urine at each other in a never-ending quest to establish themselves as the alpha hippo. Hippos are assholes.

3) That in the United States we’re living in an era where believing in evolution, global warming and the Geneva Conventions is dubious, but believing in the rapture, abstinence-based sex education, and Rush Limbaugh means you’re right there in the mainstream.

4) How a human body looks after its been run over by a city bus.

5) That surgeons sometimes extract tumors that weigh twice as much as I do and resemble man-sized blobs of Big Red chewing gum.

6) At least 70% of the lyrics to approximately 84% of all songs performed by the Cure, the Smiths, Joy Division, Depeche Mode, and New Order. In addition, I know at least 68% of the lyrics to roughly 79% of all songs performed by Morrissey as a solo artist.

7) That there exists, deep in the jungles of Brazil, a slender and merciless fish known as the candirú which has been known to slither into the urethras of innocent swimmers, where it proceeds to lodge its spiky spine into your flesh and suck your blood until you can find a doctor to cut the thing out.

8) That there is a thriving subculture of people on the internet who trade in homemade drawings depicting Simpsons characters having hard-core pervert sex

9) That, in 1994, a Russian jet crashed in Siberia because, and I swear I’m not making this up, the pilot had gotten out of his seat and let his children fly the plane. Let me repeat that one: nearly a hundred people died in a fiery crash because their pilot let his children fly the plane!!!

10) That when television's premiere comb-over blowhard and mouthy demagogue Bill O’Reilly lets his creative id run free, the results are paragraphs like these:

"Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."

11) How Coca-Cola "Blak" tastes