Saturday, October 07, 2006

Insomnia Report Celebrity Edition: crazed British starlet insults America's finest city, disappointment and sadness fall upon the land

If you’re like me, you probably hunger for news stories that aren’t about members of Congress and their forbidden lust for underaged boy-meat. Maybe you want to read about something a little scandalous and a little outrageous, but you’re not looking for something that’s going to put you off your food. Just some garden variety naughtiness, you think, that’ll be just the ticket to clean the palate after a week of hearing nothing but repulsive details about repulsive Republicans and all their repulsive peccadillos.

Well, I’m sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, but an even more appalling and crass incident has just erupted onto the national consciousness like some sort of oily, greasy zit on the face of that one Dungeons and Dragons nerd who used to sort of hang around you back in high school and sort of kind of passively make it known that he sort of kind of wanted to go out with you, but he was just too shy actually ever to ask a beautiful, intelligent, cultured woman like you out so he just brought you gifts he made out of popsicle sticks and told you jokes you’d need to be a “Battlestar Galactica” fan to understand in the hopes that someday, somehow and for some reason you—the prom queen—would ask him out and spare him the trouble of putting his feelings on the line and/or facing the most agonizing rejection of his entire life. Yes, I’m afraid that this new, fevered drama has inserted itself into the national discourse like a candirú fish inserts itself into the urethra of an unwitting Brazilian fisherman, causing unprecedented and unbearable burning, irritation, and swelling to such an extent that previously normal genitals now look like over-inflated cruise-ship floatation devices.

I am speaking, of course, of the fact that actress Sienna Miller has insulted Pittsburgh. In fact, this young "lady" has gone so far as to call that fair and gentle town “Shittsburgh”. In the course of her rambling, deranged assault upon Pennsylvania’s most appealing city, she even went so far as to complain, “Can you believe this is my life? Will you pity me when you're back in your funky New York apartment and I'm still in Pittsburgh? I need to get more glamorous films and stop with my indie year...”

This aggression will not stand.

First off, I must hasten to assure the world that there are many, many, many mid-sized American cities that Sienna Miller might find far duller than Pittsburgh. Maybe if Miss Miller found herself making a movie in Des Moines, Iowa or Wichita, Kansas, she would be less dismissive of Pittsburgh’s charms. I know, I know, I know: she’s a big fancy movie star who diddles Jude Law when Jude Law isn’t diddling someone else, so maybe historic and unpretentious Americana isn’t her thing. I mean, for Christ’s sake, this is a woman who talks—with apparent seriousness---about her “indie year”. The glories of Pittsburgh are wasted on such people.

Because, in my mind, those glories are many. Sure, I’ve only been to Pittsburgh once and then I was only there for about eight hours, but I still consider myself a Pittsburgher at heart. From the Allegheny River to the Ohio River to the Monononongowhatever River, Pittsburgh is the shiz-nit. From it’s tree-clad peaks to it’s Andy Warhol museum to it’s mind-bogglingly confusing layout, Pittsburgh kicks ass up and down the entire Rust Belt.

In fact, it has long been a dream of mine to bring the woman I will marry to Pittsburgh for our honeymoon. There, we will celebrate our love while visiting many tight-knit and colorfully-ethnic neighborhoods. We will clasp hands and skip joyously down the Boulevard of the Allies from Duquesne University to Point State Park, calling out a fond hello to all “yinz” Pittsburghers we pass on our merry way. We will sing the songs of Pittsburgh native Billy Strayhorn from the slopes of Homewood to the hipster hang-outs of Oakland by day, and by night we will make sweet juicy nookie to the sounds of the Pirates being defeated at PNC Park.

It will be glorious. But poor, poor Sienna Miller will never experience such bliss. Her loss, I suppose.