I tried to get absolution from the Pope for this one, but he’s apparently busy with some other stuff...

Okay. Before we get down to presenting the second victor in my stupid country song contest, I would just like to point out that I did not want to write these lyrics. No, no: if things had gone my way, I would be writing about “Kentucky style” lovin’. Instead, due to the evil desires of no less than three voters, I have been forced to drag the messiah of millions—a man of peace and humility---into my tawdry realm of innuendo, invective and smut. I hope you people are happy. You know who you are.

Anyway, without further ado, allow me to present a little ditty I like to call “Jesus Said It, I Believe It, That Settles It”:


Wellllllllllll,
Back in the days of the Nazarene
Them Ba’athists was getting mighty mean
Hoardin’ their oil, pushin’ around Kuwait
Man from Galilee said “Jes’ you wait,
Might not come today, might not tomorra’
But you done stepped in a bucket of sorrow
‘Cause one day there’s gonna be a place
Strong and free ‘nuff to smash your face
And then you’ll be hollerin’ to the U.N.
Sayin’ ol’ Preznit Bush done it again
Toppled your throne, freed your country
Made the region safe for democracy
So Saddam Hussein, just you quit
Because this boy from the manger says you ain’t shit...”

Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
So go back to France, you moonbat
Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
It’s only devils that vote Democrat

Wellllllllllll,
It was way back in ol’ Judea
When a fella named Adam had an idea
"Let’s get Steve and some other fellas
Because I’ve got a hankerin’ for them wedding bells"
But, don’t you worry and don’t you wail
‘Cause Jesus done caught them at the Macy’s sale
There in his sandals, so sure and proud
Let them know that wasn’t allowed
“Now, you sinners know I’m the messiah
And what I’m tellin’ you ain’t no lyin’
My pop thinks what you’re doin’ ain’t kosher
And he says you’re hurtin’ him the most here
Worse that liars, drunkards, killers with knives
Are the men who want men to be their wives...”

Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
So go back to San Francisco, you moonbat
Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
It’s only homer-sex-shulls who vote Democrat

Take it away, Jesus!

[Celestial harp solo]

Wellllllllllll,
Christ was rolling down along the ol’ Jordan
When he met a bald-headed economist man
Who said, “Let’s tax the rich, they’ve got enough
All they’re doin’ with it is buyin’ useless stuff!”
Well, Jesus heard this talk and stopped mighty quick
Because taxin’ folks makes the son of God mighty sick
He raised his voice, all honeyed and true
And called that man ten times a fool
“Now, you may be smart but you sure ain’t holy
Because we got to keep this here market free
Creatin’ jobs, fillin’ needs, havin’ a trickle-down effect
That’s the sort of thing we ought to respect
Now, listen up, before I send you down below
It’s a right sacred duty to keep them taxes low.”

Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
Go back to Russia, you moonbat
Jesus said it, I believe it, that settles it
Because only commy-nists vote Democrat