Monday, July 31, 2006

The Insomnia Report Super-Special Celebrity Edition!

"Blaaah! I'm Sir Georg Solti! Former conductor of the Chicago Symphony! Blaaaah! Don't I look like Dracula? But I'm not! Blaaah! I was a dynamic force on the podium, acclaimed worldwide for my forceful interpretations of the Romantic repetoire! Blaaah! And besides, Dracula was Transylvanian! I am, on the other hand, Hungarian! Blaaaaah!"

Quick poll! Who's your favorite Delfonic? I like the guy in the middle, personally. My only problem is that I'm not sure which one is the guy with the real high voice. I suspect it's the guy on the left. If this is the case, I like the guy on the left.

Earlier this week, Strawberry Shortcake was pulled over in Malibu for driving well over the posted speed limit. Once in the custody of sheriff's deputies, she unleashed a drunken barrage of threats, sexist insults, and anti-Semitic non-sequitirs. Although she has since issued a public apology and entered into a treatment program, Hollywood observers still wonder whether or not this scandal will have a lasting effect on Shortcake's career. Other, perhaps more cynical observers, feel that such bad behavior will only give her more publicity, particularly since her new film, Banana Magic Fun For Everyone!, is slated to be released later this year...

ITEM! UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has recently been spotted in some very swanky South Beach hotspots in the company of George Clooney, party girl Nicole Ritchie, two as-of-yet-unidentified Venezuelan bikini models and Russian premier Vladimir Putin!

ITEM! Suave Kofi is known in all the capitals of the world for his smashing ensembles, witty repartee, and fancy footwork on the dancefloor!

ITEM! Born in Ghana, educated in Minnesota, based in Manhattan, and fabulous world-wide, Secretary General Annan can often be seen in Armani, in Prada, and on CSPAN, negotiating cease-fires!

Understand this, gentle readership: the Insomnia Report will make no apologies for posting gratuitious photographs of Ashley Judd. In fact, it is only the thinnest sliver of tastefulness and blogging ethics that prevents me from illustrating every single post on here with pictures of Ashley Judd. Some people might contend that there are enough pictures of Ashley Judd on the internet. Some people might make the case that it would be inappropriate to begin a long post on, say, pre-Perestroika Soviet poetry with a photograph of Ashley Judd. Those people are deeply foolish and I feel no inclination to enter into dialogue with such an unreasonable sort. What I want to ask them, however, is this: why do you hate Ashley Judd so? What did she ever do to you? Was it one of her brilliant turns on the silver screen that twisted your soul into a pantomine of hate and destruction? Was it her fetching Oscar gown of several years ago that polluted your mind into its current sham of indecency and bitterness? Search your consciences, Ashley Judd haters, and begin the long, arduous, but ultimately necessary process of healing. It's not too late.

Just because you probably haven't thought about Richard Simmons for awhile...