You know what this blog needs? A mission statement!

Insomnia Report, LLC, Corporate Offices
Somewhere on the outskirts of Dallas


I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but for a long time
this website has been adrift on a sea of randomness.
One day I’m babbling about the glories of the marriage
contract and the next I’m spouting off about the Middle
East. Sometimes I complain about right-wingers, some-
times I complain about filthy toilets, sometimes I get all
misty-eyed over long-dead jazz icons. There’s no rhyme
or reason to it. This is not good. It’s 2006 after all, and
everyone knows this is the year that bloggers will finally
seize the reins of Western Civilization and bring main-
stream America kicking and screaming into a bold new
era of truth and integrity. I want to be part of this pro-
cess. I want to be a mandarin of the new media, not just
some weirdo who writes about his favorite internal organs
and periodically pretends to be a flamboyantly-unstable
pop-psychology icon.

From here on out, this will a streamlined blog, an author-
itative blog, a tell-you-all-what-to-think blog. Where there
once was silly rambling, there will now be insight into the
events that shape our world. Where there once were pic-
tures of kittens, there will instead be partisan bickering.
Goodbye Siamese twins, hello newfound sense of self-
importance! And maybe–if I’m really diligent–the Insom-
nia Report will one day appear in the local paper when I
become embroiled in a less-than-fascinating lawsuit! That
would be AWESOME! But don’t think this will only stroke
my ego. Because you–my witty, wise and freakishly attract-
ive readership–will be able to tell all your friends that you
visited my site way back when I was still hung up on all
that “assmaster” stuff. Won’t that be the bar-boast to top
all other bar-boasts?

Gravitas doesn’t grow overnight, though. It will take a
mighty struggle with many opponents, not the least of
which is my own sloth. I can predict it now: one evening,
the situation will be such that I simply have to describe
why some candidate, pundit or newspaper is the worst
thing to happen to America since smallpox, but I’d much
rather churn out 5000 words about a pimple on my butt.
These are the times when I must be strong. I need a tool
which will enable me to bypass the trivial and frivolous in
favor of the trivial and political. To this end, I have decid-
ed that I will inaugurate a “mission statement”. That way,
when I feel like sliding back into bad habits of yore, I can
just read it and be inspired to produce yet another cutting
analysis of something or other.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

“The Insomnia Report–Dedicated to Raising the Standards
of Discourse in the Global, Electronic Media of Tomorrow,
Motherfuckers”

“The Insomnia Report–It’s Not Like There’s Anything Else
Worth Looking At On The Internet Anyway”

“Here at the Insomnia Report, we’re dedicated to promoting
honest and vigorous debate, unless you happen to be one of
those pitiful bastards who refuse to acknowledge my omni-
scient brilliance in all matters...”

Or, if you don’t like any of those, perhaps you might
prefer one stolen from someone else. Try to guess which
large organizations authored these (slightly-altered) beauties.
If someone figures them both out, perhaps there will be a
prize! Whooooo! A contest!

“Blog postings that add substantial value to the
management of crises, the conduct of war, and the
development of policy”

“We are committed to social responsibility. We are
committed to doing the right thing. We want to make
a positive difference in the world. This commitment
began with our founder Kevin-M. It continues today
with our Board of Directors and executive leadership,
is shared by our staff and franchisees, and reaches
out of your computer screen to our customers and
their communities...”

I hasten to remind you that this need not be a top-down
directive. In fact, I’d like to structure this webpage as a
microcosm of American democracy, in which others do all
the work while I get to take credit for it. So if you, my
creative, gentle-spirited, long-suffering, and smashingly-
glamorous readership (all 29 or so of you), come up with
anything better, please forward it on to me.

This is an exciting time for the Insomnia Report. Be sure to
tune in soon for my first “serious” posting--Republicans:
Is It True That Their Women Smell Like Vomit
While The Men Tend To Have Very Narrow Penises?