Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Mom-safe post #1: Kittens are Magic!

KITTENS! What a joy they are to behold–these
adorable kittens at play! See how they frolic? See
how they scamper? What delightful kittens! Oh,
how I would like to cuddle them, how I would like
to give them sweet kitten-appropriate names,
names like Mookie, Pookie, Tuggle-Bear, and
Count Von Kittensley the Third! Awwwwww, kittens!

Kittens are sweet. Kittens are tender. A kitten
doesn’t care about those liquor stores you robbed
last week. No, no: all your kitten asks of you if
that you love it, feed it, and pick up its vomit every
now and then. You see, a kitten doesn’t know words
like “repeat offender”, “menace to the community”,
or “incorrigible sociopathic felon”. Even if a kitten
did, it would just look up into your face and mewl
softly until you scratch its belly! Kittens are for

No culture on earth is known to eat kittens!
This is either because they’re soooooo loveable
or because they taste really bad! No one knows
for sure!

Do you think that if humans were kitten-sized and
kittens were human-sized that the human-sized
kittens would keep us and take care of all our needs
and let us sleep for twenty-two hours a day? Or do
you think that the human-sized kittens would take
the first opportunity to pounce upon us kitten-sized
humans, bat us around for a while, kill us horribly,
and then carry away our bruised and gruesome
corpses as an offering to their mates? I don’t know
the answer to that one, but I sure am happy that
kittens are kitten-sized!

Kittens! Kittens! KITTENS!

Smarter than babies, quieter than puppies,
cleaner than guinea pigs, softer than fish: don't
you want to go out and get yourself a whole
teeming bushel of kittens? I think you do.

What time is it? It’s kitten-thirty.

It’s always kitten-thirty.