Monday, September 12, 2005

A Consumer Advisory

Posted by Picasa

Admit it. You don’t own this album. You don’t own it
even though it features Oscar Peterson on piano, Herb
Ellis on guitar, Ray Brown on bass, and Stan Levey on
drums. Verve has lovingly reissued it with a lavish new
package and fitted it out with digital sound so good you
can hear the man’s lips as he french kisses his tenor, but
that doesn’t matter because you never went out and
bought it. You bought a flat-screen plasma television or
a dozen pairs of designer jeans or season tickets to the
Bengals, but you can’t spare $14.99 for Ben Webster. I’d
call you on your poor priorities, but I’m sure you’re al-
ready aware of them. After all, I’m the one who can listen
to Ben blow pure beauty any time I want to. Just imagine
that I want to hear perhaps the most transcendent
version of "Where Are You?" ever played. What would
I do? Well, shit, I guess I’d just pop ol’ "Soulville" in and
cue up track number five! The real question is, what will
you do? I suppose you could make do with the Frank
Sinatra version if you were really desperate. Oh, and
did you know that Ben also plays piano? No, you didn’t
know that, did you? Sorry about that. And, while I’m
being sorry, I have to admit that I worry about your
love life. If I can get personal for just a moment here,
may I ask what you play? On the stereo, I mean. Kenny G?
Peabo Bryson? The White Stripes? And that works out
alright for you? Because we’ve already established that
you don’t have the lustrous, fearsomely-erotic Ben
Webster sound to turn every kiss into a communion of
souls, every caress into a buttery express elevator to
joy, and every moment into the glorious embodiment
of radiant, undying love. Without that, I feel you’re
missing out on something...

Seriously. Don’t you think you ought to go out and get
it? Tonight, maybe? Maybe order it on-line?

Just a friendly suggestion.