Thursday, January 19, 2006

The most disgusting thing I've seen in quite some time...

Behind my apartment building runs an alley of dubious
character. Sometimes I happen upon sketchy people out
there and, on one occasion, I actually had the opportunity
to watch two hookers fight over a Big Gulp. Gentrification
is taking hold, however–a huge vacant lot that used to be
abuzz with lurking ne’er-do-wells and derelicts sleeping in
abandoned cars is now being converted into condos, and
the shady bar that once served all these people warm 3.2
beer has been shut down by the city. Things are looking
up for my alley, I think, but every now and then I see
something which leads me to believe that my high hopes
for this hundred-yard strip of concrete have been all in vain.

Like today, for instance. I was walking out there when I hap-
pened upon a discarded pair of men’s briefs. And what a man
these must have once belonged to. The waistband was big
enough to encircle my entire extended family. I’m serious.
The amount of fabric that went into that single pair could have
supplied underwear for the entire male population of Slovakia.
These BVDs were mind-boggling to me. They were like Paul
Bunyan underpants.

And that isn’t even the worst part. The worst part, I hate to
say, is pretty bad indeed. I am a dainty blogger, so I hesitate
to share it with you. But I will. Yet heed my warning, if you
are the sensitive sort, or squeamish in any way, please do not
look any further. I do not wish to ruin your day, as this pair
of grotesquely-oversized man-panties very nearly ruined
mine. Those of you who feel you can look right in the face of
life’s worst horrors and not blink, read on, but don’t say I didn’t
warn you.

Because the enormous pair of men’s underwear I nearly step-
ped on today had dookie all over it.

Yes, yes, I know: that is hideous and wrong. But I’m afraid it’s
true. Some tremendous man somewhere shit his pants and left
a telling piece of the evidence not fifty feet from my back door.
If this disturbs you, imagine how I must feel, knowing that such
a giant beast is running around my neighborhood, completely
underpants-less and incapable of controlling his bowels.

I can tell you this much, I will not sleep easy tonight.