Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm like Karl Rove, only skinnier...and I have more hair...and I'm not impotent either. So I guess I'm nothing like Karl Rove. Bummer.

While voting in the Minneapolis primary earlier today,
I became aware of a minor political phenomenon. In
elections such as these, there are typically long lists of
candidates vying for seats on various obscure boards
and commissions. Most of these, in turn, are bodies
which only the most civic-minded have an opinion on:
the parks committee, the zoning affairs advisory coun-
cil, the board of water purity and fluoridation. It seems
to me, then, that it would be reasonable to assume that
around 95% of voters either (a) ignore these people en-
tirely or (b) select them at random. Yet one candidate,
halfway down the library board list, caught my eye:
Mark "Sparky" Elko. My pen hovered over his little
bubble, almost marking it even though I had no idea
what he stood for. The idea of voting for some guy
named "Sparky" appealed to me, though. I stuck my
ballot into the counting machine with some real regret
over not throwing my support to the man.

Because of this, a plan began to form in my mind. I
would change my name to something catchy, adopt
a nickname that would reassure the citizenry that
I wasn’t evil or a Republican or something like that,
and reap thousands of votes from people like me. So,
for political purposes, my name will now be Flipper
"One Love" McGee. I’m thinking of running for a seat
on the Estimate and Taxation Commission, mainly be-
cause it sounds foreboding and impressive, but also
because estimating and taxing are two things I could
wield as weapons against my accursed enemies.

Imagine it with me: "Oh, you want to build a new McDonald’s
on that lot? Did you know that you’ll be assessed $5,325,443
in taxes if you wanted to do that? Just for fiscal year 2005?
Of, course I know what I’m talking about! I’m Flipper McGee!
I have the mandate of the masses behind me! Now get your
junk food franchising-ass out of my office!"

But I could also use my new-found powers for good:
"What’s that you say Sassy VonTrapp? Foul-breathed
condo developers are raising the rent of your indepen-
dent art studio? They want you to move so they can
sell to a bunch of corporate attorneys and investment
bankers? Not on One Love’s watch, they won’t! I’ll
low-ball their estimates until they’re begging you to
stay! Oh, no! No need to thank me, Sassy, it’s all in a
day’s work for Flipper McGee!"

Of course maybe someone on the Estimate and Taxation
Commission wouldn’t be able to do things like that. If this
is the case, I hope someone lets me know so that I can
try for a spot on the Liquor and Gaming Authority instead.