Friday, September 09, 2005

Good evening. Please, do come in. Have a seat on
the divan. Yes, I’m certain you will find it most com-
fortable. Perhaps you would like a throw pillow? No?
Excellent, excellent. May I offer you something to
drink? A nice Beaujolais? I have an intriguing Pinot Noir,
if you’re interested. A very uncommon vintage, I must
say. Just a Diet Coke? Splendid! I think I shall have
one myself. Ahhhhhh! That is most refreshing. Now,
if you’ll permit me, allow me to introduce you to my

No! Please, please, I implore you, be so kind as to stay
seated! You have nothing to fear from my blog. It isn’t
like the other blogs, the ones that you might have heard
about. Yes, yes: I agree wholeheartedly. They are a rude
and unmannered lot at best. Quite. No argument here.
Disgraceful, really. You can’t come out too strongly
against them.

But I beg of you to hear me out. My blog is of a different
breed entirely. It is a doughty and gentle-spirited thing,
imbued from birth with a sense of purpose and dignity. A
noble mien and a sterling heart, if I may be forgiven a
momentary poetic indulgence. It is a creature in whose
veins courses the sweet soul of a great and advanced people,
a living and breathing monument to civility, decorum, and
high culture. Oh, goodness! I’m afraid I do get a little
windy, don’t I? You’ll have to excuse me. You will excuse
me, won’t you? May I freshen your cola? It is excellent
this time of year, isn’t it?

Oh, bosh! My blog doesn’t even know those sorts of
words. Even if it did, it wouldn’t dare to say them. No!
I’m afraid you’re mistaken! My dear, won’t you allow
me to summon my blog so that you may judge it with
your own eyes? I’m sure you’ll find it to your liking. If
you don’t, I’ll send it right away and never trouble you
with it again.

What’s that? Of course my blog will listen to me! Do
calm your nerves! Honestly, you’re being quite silly!
Ah! Here it comes now! Hallo there, blog!

Can’t you discern the wisdom in it’s furrowed brow,
the honor that shines in its baleful yellow eyes? Are you
really so hobbled by your ancient prejudices that you
fail to notice the majestic grace of its massive jaw, its
firm flanks, its brindled mane? It IS an impressive
beast, is it not? Truly? I’m glad you agree.

Still, it might be wise to move your feet from the
ottoman. That’s the blog’s ottoman. Yes, he’s a
territorial fellow. Slowly now. Very slowly. That’s
good. Excellent. Oh, he likes you! Magnificent!

Yes, I suppose it does take some getting used to.
But wisdom requires that we look past our fears,
doesn’t it? And it is true that many of his kind are
out there baying at the moon as we speak, ram-
paging through the countryside, massacring the
orphans, and so on and so forth. Dreadful stuff,
really. But I raised this one from a pup. No,
slaughtering the peasants is right out for this
blog. He’d just as soon be the Queen of England.

Oh. Just be still. He’s just making your acquaintance.
I imagine that’s a trifle uncomfortable right there. No,
there you’re mistaken: it only slobbers when it’s most
at ease. Still, it might be wise if you didn’t speak
for a moment. He can be just a wee bit imperious. In-
stinct, you know. No getting away from it.

What’s that? Call him off? Well, that’s ridiculous!
Do you think I’m mad? Why, he’d tear me to pieces!
No, I’m afraid you’ll just have to bear it for a moment.
It is, after all, the experiences which are uncommon
to us that we learn the most from. Spinoza, I believe
said something of the sort. You do read Spinoza,
don’t you? Perhaps I will have to loan you my
edition. The binding is magnificent.

Don’t do that. Oh, no. That’s right out. Please. I
implore you. It’s absolutely imperative that you...oh, do
listen, won’t you? You may regret it. You’ll bring about
the ruin of the divan and that I simply can’t countenance!
Wait! Please! Oh. Dear me.

Blog! Blog! Heavens. Oh my. Goodness. Oh bother.