Thursday, August 31, 2006

Because that stupid mall and the Spoonbridge just aren't cutting it anymore...

Minneapolis is not one of America’s top destinations. This is no secret and I see no use in trying to obscure it. When people around the world decide to journey to our country, they usually want to go to New York, San Francisco, Miami, Chicago or some other place where there’s actually stuff to see and do. Sure, maybe a few people head out to the Mall of America on extended plane layovers, but I assure you that there’s nobody over in Barcelona or Bratislava or Bangkok salivating over a dream vacation to the Twin Cities. As far as the tourist world goes, we’re just sitting there, stinking up the map.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. You see, I’ve figured out a simple, inexpensive way to get hordes and hordes of foreign and domestic travelers flocking to our fair town. All we have to do is put up the world’s tallest building. We’ve got plenty of open land where we can do it, and we’ve got thousands of able archetects, engineers and workers who would be glad to be a part of
such a historic project. Once the Insomnia Tower is completed, we can just sit back and rake in the easy tourism dollars that come rolling in. One day’s t-shirt sales alone should be enough to cover that city-wide wi-fi that Mayor Rybak’s always gassing about.

There will, of course, be challenges that need to be faced. Foremost among these is the stiff competition from many Asian nations. Tall-assed buildings are sprouting up over there faster than you can spit. Yesterday, the world’s tallest building was in Kuala Lumpur, today it’s in Taipai, and tomorrow it’ll be in Dubai. It’s getting so bad that our own mighty Sears Tower will soon seem like just a mid-sized condo building next to these mighty structures. I have particular anxieties about the Burj Dubai, which will allegedly stand 162 stories high, or a whopping 2,650 feet. That is, I’m sure you’ll agree, pretty fucking tall.

I never thought I’d see the day when America fell behind in really fucking tall buildings. What have we come to as a nation? Are we going to sit on our enormous asses and let the United Arab Emirates top the Sears Tower by a thousand feet? Or are we going to have some pride, get out there, and build an even taller building?

I think the answer is clear. But we have to do this right. We can’t just beat Dubai’s effort by a meter or two. That’ll just provoke Seoul or Hong Kong to throw up a building six meters bigger than ours, thus sticking us with the lame, embarrassing distinction of having the world’s second tallest building. I won’t settle for this. This is why I propose that the Insomnia Tower of Minneapolis should settle the “who’s got the biggest building?” question for good. Yes, I’m saying that our building should be 400 stories high and measure at least 6,425 feet, not counting the optional radio tower. This isn’t just some male anxiety thing, I assure you. This is about the future of my city and my country.

Some of you out there—and you know who you are—might question the wisdom of using public funding to finance a super-tall building. Well, if that’s the way you’re going to be about it, then why don’t you do us all a favor and treat yourself to a nice box of fine Belgian shut the hell up? Because, let’s face it, you’re haters. You all have your PhD.s, and by that I’m referring of course to your player hater degree. Which isn’t a good degree to have, and you should have majored in science or something. Because the only job you’re going to be able to find is selling Haterade by the side of the Hater Highway, which runs between Sucktown and Your Mamma.

And I realize that there are others of you who have legitimate concerns that a building so awesome would be a natural target for terrorists. Well, let me put your minds at ease: no terrorist would ever dream of attacking the Insomnia Tower. Why is that? Well, simply because there’s not going to be anything in the Insomnia Tower. I’m realistic enough to understand that Minneapolis can’t possibly find enough corporations, residents or stores to fill 400 stories, and that’s why I propose that the city use it as storage for old boxes, broken copy machines, and all that other stuff that just clutters up your work place.

Also, I picture a laser beam on top of it. This isn’t so much for obliterating terrorists as it is for vaporizing my sworn enemies. Don’t concern yourself excessively with the details of the laser. I can assure you the laser will only be used with the utmost discretion.