I wish I could quit you, country music...

Listen. I was content to be done with my country song contest. If it were up to me, I would be back to writing my usual scholarly and sober posts on foreign affairs and economic policy. But I’m afraid these will have to wait, because Mel has officially lodged a protest against her choice not winning. Were it anyone else, I would probably ignore it, but with Mel I simply cannot. You see, Mel and I go way back. All the way from Iowa to New York City to Seattle to Cleveland, she's been there, spreading joy, speaking in fake German accents and alerting me when my pants make my ass too baggy. In fact, there was a time when I believed it should be a felony for someone to do something counter to Mel’s wishes. As I matured, however, I realized that such a law would be ridiculous. After all, only a crazy fool with no dignity or decency would even consider doing something counter to Mel’s wishes. It would be like making eating turds illegal. Yes, it’s disgusting and distasteful, but when people do it they only get shit on themselves. This is my way of saying whatever Mel wants, Mel gets.

And today Mel wants “I Ain’t Gay, I’m Just Thinkin’ Bout His Ass”. So here goes:



Well, I’ve been drivin’ truck
For near about fifteen years
Yeah, I’ve been down on my luck
Just grinding my own gears
But out on that there highway
You get plenty of time to think
And them thoughts I got today
Gonna drive me to the brink
I’m wonderin’ about this life I have
And I’m wondering what to do
Do I walk down just one path
Or do I follow what feels true?
You see, I live down in Arkansas
Plain as anyone can see
And just because I might visit Memphis
That don’t mean that I’m moving
To Tennessee, oh no, oh no...

And I ain’t gay,
I’m just thinkin’ about his ass
So firm, so high, so buff
Warm as a fire, smooth as glass
And I ain’t gay,
I just got that man on my mind
So strong, so hard, so rough
I’m gonna get back
I gotta get back
Gotta get back and make him mine

Yeah, it was near two months ago
I rolled into that there place
Feelin’ mighty bad ‘bout bein’ alone
With a big ol’ frown on my face
Well, he come up to me
When I was down in Dixie’s bar
Said this ain’t no place for us to be
Got my own joint, ain’t too far
I got up and followed that guy
Yeah, followed him right out the door
Listen, people, I ain’t gonna lie
We had a drink, a smoke, and then a whole lot more
You ask me why I done it
Then all ya’ll better just listen
I done it because I done it
And I sure as hell am gonna
Do it again, oh yeah, oh yeah...

But I ain’t gay,
I’m just thinkin’ bout his ass
So firm, so high, so buff
Warm as a fire, smooth as glass
But I ain’t gay,
I just got that man on my mind
So strong, so hard, so rough
I’m gonna get back
I gotta get back
Gotta get back and make him mine

I’ve heard people say there’s rules
And I’ve heard ‘bout God’s law
Well, those people are sho’ nuff fools
If they think we’ve got God bothered
With what goes on over in Memphis
Havin’ brunch, dressin’ up in leather
Huggin’, rubbin’, caressin’, kissin’
Goin’ to the Erasure concert together
Yeah, we gonna find a place to stay
Maybe just a quaint ‘lil loft
And then I’m goin’ back today
Gonna stick around ‘til I take off
‘Cause you know I like to see him
Hell, I’d see him every day
But there just ain’t nothin’ better ‘en
Seeing that man,
Whoooah, seeing that man
Seeing that man just walk away

Cause I ain’t gay,
I’m just thinkin’ bout his ass
So firm, so high, so buff
Warm as a fire, smooth as glass
But I ain’t gay,
I just got that man on my mind
So strong, so hard, so rough
I’m gonna get back
I gotta get back
Gotta get back and make him mine