Friday, March 03, 2006

The Bush Administration Future Scandal Forecast

April 1, 2006

The Scandal: In a failed attempt at April Fool’s merriment, George Bush tells an roomful of soldier’s families that he has a plan to bring their loved ones home from Iraq in less than six weeks.

The Reaction: Moderate dismay politely expressed on the Sunday morning talk shows, rageful posts on left-wing websites, gentle scolding from high-ranking Democrats, general disinterest from the nation at large.

May 25, 2006

The Scandal: During a friendly game of darts, a wealthy Republican donor chides Dick Cheney for standing too close to the board. Dick Cheney then stabs him repeatedly in the left eye, causing permanent blindness and many minor facial lacerations.

The Reaction: Low comedy on left-wing websites, general disinterest from the nation at the large.

July 19, 2006

The Scandal: Video footage is leaked to ABC news showing George Bush at a conference during the build-up to the Iraq War. In it, top-level CIA analysts tell him, in no uncertain terms, that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that an invasion would most certainly spark a violent insurgency, and that regime change would almost certainly encourage Islamic radicalism throughout the entire Middle East. Also, at one point, George Bush picks his nose and eats it.

The Reaction: Hysterical condemnation of ABC news for jeopardizing our nation’s security, several strongly-worded editorials in the New York Times, general disinterest from the nation at large.

August 3, 2006

The Scandal: Secretary of Agriculture Ann M. Veneman defects from the Bush Administration, citing widespread abuse of power, a pattern of malicious deception, and rampant cronyism.

The Reaction: General disinterest from the nation at large.

October 22, 2006

The Scandal: With the midterm elections less than a month away, George Bush makes a televised address and warns the nation that Al-Qaeda sleeper cells are “willing and ready” to murder thousands of innocent Applebee’s diners. After the Republican landslide, it is later revealed that the President’s statement was based on “incomplete intelligence”.

The Reaction: A three-week shriek of pain from the country’s remaining liberals, a distressed sigh from Europe, and nation at large happy that it can once again feel safe at Applebee’s.

November 16, 2006

The Scandal: Dick Cheney steps down and is replaced by a mysterious, secretive former-Halliburton executive named “Caligula”

The Reaction: Stomach-churning six hour “Farewell to a Hero” special on FOX news, record levels of vitriol attained by left-wing websites, a white stallion appointed to the Senate.

February 14, 2007

The Scandal: White House press secretary Scott McClellan announces that President Bush, “after long and painful deliberations”, has decided to seek a divorce from Laura because “he can no longer stand her uptight bitch librarian ways”.

The Reaction: Slight consternation among certain elements of the religious right, denunciations of Laura Bush from the conservative blogosphere, an ardent proposal from Ann Coulter.

March 4, 2007

The Scandal: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is revealed to be an evil cyborg from the planet Zoltan.

The Reaction: Feeble protests from ranking Democrats, Joe Scarborough on television describing the Planet Zoltan as “sort of like Kansas, only more desolate”, many reminders from the conservative blogosphere that Howard Dean is a weird guy, a resurgence of interest in the Star Wars saga from the nation at large.

June 2, 2007

The Scandal: An obviously intoxicated President Bush stumbles into a cabinet meeting, undoes his zipper, says “Lemme introduce y’all to Lil’ Tex!”, and proceeds to urinate on Condoleeza Rice’s new high heels.

The Reaction: Enthusiasm that “the insouciant, devil-may-care Dubya of yesteryear is back” expressed by several Republican pundits, pro-forma angst expressed on left-wing websites, resignation tendered by Condoleeza Rice.

June 30, 2007

The Scandal: Stock market convulses, American economy is thrown into chaos, widespread violence and looting strikes most major cities.

The Reaction: The six remaining congressional Democrats thoroughly blamed, constitutional crisis averted, nation at large finally loses a little weight.

August 18, 2007

The Scandal: An obviously strung-out President Bush, for no discernable reason, kicks a kitten on live television.

The Reaction: Strong protest from cat-lovers, robust questioning of cat-lovers’ patriotism from the conservative blogosphere, an insincere, scripted apology tendered to Mr. Mittens.

September 19, 2007

The Scandal: A naked White House Chief of Staff Andy Card is found wandering the streets of Georgetown, drenched in someone else’s blood.

The Reaction: Nationwide search for new Chief of Staff begins with a posting on the Washington, D.C. craigslist “help wanted” section. After a brief hospitalization, Andy Card tapped to fill long-vacant Secretary of Agriculture seat.

October 29, 2007

The Scandal: Al-Jazeera airs a grainy videotape of George Bush giving Osama Bin Laden what can only be described as a “sloppy hummer”.

The Reaction: Formal impeachment proceedings begun in Montreal by the Democrat-Party-In-Exile, Republicans counter by accusing them of being homophobic Arab-bashers, conservative blogosphere silent due to coast-to-coast blackout, nation-at-large reduced to wiping its ass with worthless U.S. currency.