Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Democratic Party is prepared to give you dorks the Indian burn of a lifetime...

Via Minvolved, I see that a Democratic candidate for our state senate used the slogan “Give the Republicans a wedgie”. Now, the candidate himself seems like a fine enough guy and, since I can’t find the slogan on his website anywhere, perhaps he even took it off after the very kind Mr. Sponge pointed out its absurdity. If that’s what happened, I think it demonstrates an admirable sort of responsiveness to the citizenry. The guy deserves some credit for that, I think.

Still, I’m going to make fun of his (former) slogan for awhile here. Because, frankly, even though it may be correct that the Democrats need to “toughen up” their image, I think we should probably think twice before leaping into the whole “bully” role. To my way of thinking, our slogans should point out that it’s the Republicans who are giving America a wedgie. That way we Democrats can position ourselves as the leather-jacketed burnout who a lot of our classmates have given up on but, when faced with such a obvious and heinous injustice, springs into action and stands up to the vicious, low-self-image-suffering Republican wedgie-givers. Of course, I’m no focus group or professionally-administered poll, but I think that’s a better narrative than adopting the role of wedgie-givers ourselves.

But if we decide we want to take the “bully” route, I’d like to be of service by coming up with further catch-phrases for our candidates. Here are just a couple off the top of my head:

Mike Hatch---Giving the Insurance Industry The Swirly It Deserves

Al Franken---Taking Norm Coleman’s Lunch Money Every Single Day

Ford Bell---Because Mark Kennedy Throws Like A Girl

And–as Democrats, goddamnit--we shouldn’t limit ourselves just to boyish bullying. Our female candidates should start positioning themselves as catty fourteen year-olds:

Amy Klobuchar
–--Pretending to be the Republicans’ best friend, but she’s not really their friend at all, she’s just pumping them for embarrassing gossip...

Patty Wetterling–--“Michele Bachmann likes George W. Bush! She wants to go out with him! Oooooooooh! I’m gonna TELL everyone!”