Thursday, August 17, 2006

Boldly running away from any sort of internet respectability, or It Sure Would Be Great To Have A Prehensile Penis

Yesterday, I believe I mentioned the rumor that dolphins have prehensile penises. If true, it seems to me unjust that such a great gift would be wasted upon mere fish. Because—let’s face it—it would be pretty cool if humans had those too. And, if the entire male half of the human race couldn’t be bestowed with such a glorious power, I suppose it would be alright if only I was. Putting aside all the obvious naughty applications that I won’t stoop to relating here, having a wang I could move around as easily as my pointer finger would sure come in handy in my day-to-day life.

As it stands now, I am capable of listening to my iPod while I’m sweeping up my apartment. And of course, I prefer to do this in the nude: it's kind of a fetish of mine and, besides, it irks me to get dust and crumbs on my pants. I’ve even become graceful enough to change the songs and modify the volume to my tastes without once interrupting the firm, brisk strokes of the broom that I feel are necessary to bring cleanliness to my home. The only problem is that I cannot send text messages to my friends while doing this. I either have to put down my iPod or stop my housecleaning. This would not be a problem if I had a prehensile penis. I could simply grasp my iPod with it, manipulate my cell phone with my freed-up hand, all the while continuing to ensure that my apartment preserves its reputation as a bastion of tidiness. Convenient, no?

And lets not neglect the fact that a prehensile penis would also help me to stay safe here in the big bad city. I hate to dwell on unpleasant matters, but I’m sure we can all agree that banditry is a real and terrifying threat. Were I accosted by foul brigands today, I would have to hand over all my valuables in order to prevent certain death. Not so if I had a dolphin dong. If this was the case, I could strut around even the most dangerous neighborhood without a worry. Imagine, if you will, an uncouth rapscallion waylaying me with a revolver. I could hold up my hands in the conventional defensive posture while, in the meantime, my handy prehensile penis would be hard at work, pulling out a minature pistol from the holster I had previously sewn into my briefs. As I distracted the criminal with promises of compliance, my prehensile penis would then draw down my fly from the inside (I assume I’d have to practice this move beforehand a couple of times) and fire off a few shots at the ne’er-do-well. Hooray for vigilante justice! And—lest we forget—hooray for prehensile penises!

But that’s not all! Think of the shadowpuppetry skills that would be at my command! Think of how quickly I could fold my laundry! Think of how healthy my back would be if I didn’t have to bend down to wash my legs in the shower! Think of how wonderful it would be if I could freshen a guest’s drink without having to interrupt my hand gestures! Think of how much more easily I could fiddle with a car stereo if I didn’t have to use my hands to steer!

And that’s just off the top of my head! Truly, the possibilities are endless...