A gentle plea for funds...

Let me tell you people something from the heart. You are, without a doubt, the most intelligent, sexiest, kindest, best smelling and most generous audience in the history of the internet. I mean that. If an audience was a sea creature, you all would be a graceful dolphin, gliding effortlessly through the warm currents of awesomeness. If an audience could be said to be a city, you all would be Paris.

And I’m not just blowing sunshine up your collective ass here. I’m also hitting you up for money.

You see, it’s for a good cause. In fact, it’s for the best cause in the entire world: breasts. My friend Michele is raising money for a breast cancer charity, and I would appreciate it if you could send a few dollars her way. You would be helping to fight against a dreadful disease that has hurt and continues to hurt millions and millions of women all across the world. You would be contributing to a better world. You would also be able to feel the rosy glow in your soul that only comes from giving money to my friends. So, if you can give something, please consider making a contribution. Every little bit helps.

Thank you very much. I’d kiss you all if I could. And not just one of those “oh-hi-grandma” pecks on the cheek, either. Full on mouth action, if you know what I mean. With tongue and spit and stuff. That’s just how I feel about you people.