Great campaigns are hatched in evil volcano lairs, not high school cafeterias...

You might be wondering why, as a candidate for the House of Representatives in the Fifth District of the Glorious State of Minnesota, I did not appear at Saturday’s nominating thing-a-ma-bob. The simple answer is this: I had shit to do. Yes, strange as it may seem, some candidates can’t pull themselves away from their busy lives to go and hang out in a high school gymnasium with a bunch of weirdos who are into that sort of thing. I didn’t get into this to approve measures and draft proposals and hew to any sort of parliamentary process. No, no: I got into this for simple self-aggrandizement and out of a limitless lust for power. That and to bring to Washington, D.C. the sometimes-halting, sometimes-soaring voice of the voiceless little people who make our nation great.

Also, I felt it would be embarrassing for the other, lamer candidates if I showed up. I mean, seriously, what did the top guy have, something like eighty delegates? That’s nothing compared to the 134,500 faithful and crazed supporters willing to do my bidding at a moment’s notice. If I flooded the shabby municipal venue with these people, there would be pandemonium, confusion, and also isolated instances of brain-eating. It’s a scene I don’t want to deal with until at least August, where the “front runners” from Saturday’s feeble charade will be crushed in the groundswell of zombie and non-zombie support that I will mobilize and/or raise from the dead with my voodoo pendant.

Thirdly, this event took place in St. Louis Park. St. Louis Park is a goddamn long way away. One thing I know a lot about is integrity. And one thing I believe to the very core of my being is that if you can’t walk there, it’s not worth going there. And I can’t walk to St. Louis Park. I mean, maybe I could make the hike for the Trader Joe’s they’re gonna open over on Excelsior, but I’m not going to exert myself that much for a roomful of wonks and people in silly hats. That’s what integrity means to me. Perhaps it means something different to you.

So, in summation, if you’re one of those people who wants to elect someone who “plays by the rules” and “acts within the law” and “is at least half-way sane”, by all means go ahead and vote for one of those boring candidates. You’ll be happier that way, safe in your warm and pleasant little cocoon. But–and I’m asking you to seriously consider this–will any of those milquetoast establishment Democrats devote every single day of their Congressional career to needling Gil Gutenwhateverthefuckitis? Will any of those civics-class former-student-body-president automatons pledge to turn over sovereignty of our country to France? Do any of those goofy poindexters have a plan to protect America’s ports and borders from gigantic mutated moth-like creatures?

I think, if you’re the least bit honest with yourself, you know the answers to those questions. And that’s why you’re going to vote for me for Representative of the Fifth Congressional District of Minnesota, The Sexiest Congressional District in Minnesota, by the way, but maybe that’s not really saying much.

Oh. Snap.