Monday, May 08, 2006

# 12,392,226 on the list of things Pat Robertson sternly disapproves of...

Thanks to the City Pages Blotter, I’ve learned that an organization called “The Center For Sex and Culture” in (naturally) San Francisco is holding a “Masturbate-A-Thon” (don’t click on that link if you’re in church or at work or some other place where they frown on such things, but do click on it eventually, because their poster is pretty cool). Now you might ask, just what is a “Masturbate-A-Thon”? Well, I wondered the same thing until I perused their website a little bit. Now that I’ve gone and got myself informed, I think I can accurately report back on what goes on at such a function. Participants get pledges from their friends and neighbors for a certain amount of money per minute, then they go to the venue where the event is held and try to pleasure themselves for as long as possible. The longer they hold out, the more money they raise. Spectators can come and watch these people wank if they wish, either via webcam or live in person, and their hefty admission fees ($50!) are also handed over to charity.

But understand, this isn’t just some onanistic free-for-all: they’ve got some pretty strict rules. Get a load of this:

At least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation. Participant shall have 5 minutes off of each hour to replenish and renew. Off minutes may not be accumulated. Off Minutes do not count toward total.

Only five minutes off each hour! A mere five minutes to use the bathroom, wash your hands, eat some Snickers bars, and call your family to give them an update on how much money they owe! That’s downright sadistic! But, seriously, how many people, in their everyday groin manipulations, actually take breaks in the middle of their “self-pleasuring”? Not many, I think. Most people operate under Puritan work ethic when they diddle themselves: they just work at it until it’s done with. At least I assume that’s true. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong.

Also, and pardon me for being a little lewd here, is it realistic to expect the male contestants to be able to take bathroom breaks in the midst of their stroke-a-rama? Because it seems to me that you’d have to wait for your let’s-just-say “excitement” to subside before you’d be able to pee. Isn’t doing this a tried-and-true recipe for the dreaded blue balls? Are there qualified medical personnel on site? And, should you try to make do without these chances to “replenish and renew”, won’t you run the risk of exhausting and dehydrating yourself? This all seems kind of dangerous, doesn’t it?

But wait! There’s more!

Participants may continuously stimulate any part of their body as long as they are demonstrating true arousal to such stimulation.

Now, the organizers of this affair might think they’re being generous by letting their contestants “stimulate any part of their body”, but all the business about “demonstrating true arousal” belies this. Apparently, there are arousal referees. They will be enforcing arousal. I take this to mean you must never let your enthusiasm flag, no matter how sore your arm is, no matter how gross the astroglide has gotten. And maybe this is splitting hairs, but how can anyone legitimately judge “true” arousal? I could be deeply and hopelessly aroused in my head, but I doubt that would pass muster with the Center For Sex and Culture’s engorgement patrol. What they mean, I assume, is that you must demonstrate physical arousal.

This is neither here nor there, but I doubt I’d be able to demonstrate any sort of arousal with a bunch of strangers staring at me. Laugh at me if you must, but this is one reason why I like to keep my charitable and my biological activities separate. I don’t think I’m a prude. I’m just shy.

But enough about me. It’s clear that nothing arouses the ire of the Masturbate-A-Thon’s organizers quite as much as out-and-out fakery:

NO FAKING ORGASM. Do not waste our time. If you have an orgasm we are happy for you but this is not our goal. The first detected faked orgasm shall be reason for a 15-minute penalty against accumulated time.
The second detected fake orgasm shall be a thirty minute fine against accumulated time and the third will disqualify the offender from further competition at that event.

I suppose this would make sense if they were handing out prizes for most orgasms, but it doesn’t seem like that’s on the agenda. So why penalize people for faking it? Why does that “waste their time”? If that’s what it takes to get through hours and hours of clitoris mauling, why should the folks at the Center For Sex and Culture care? Aren’t they just giving the audience a more thrilling show? More to the point, how can they be absolutely certain someone’s not having a genuine orgasm? It seems like this is a place where the judges can abuse their authority. I’d be pissed if I was accused of faking an orgasm when I was really just trying to be enthusiastic. Not that it’s really possible for me to fake an orgasm. Well, I suppose it technically is possible, but know...there’s, ummmmm, evidence and stuff...

Oh never mind.

However, I am sure of one thing: for the vast majority of Americans, the only thing more embarrassing than a bunch of people knowing that you’ve participated in a “Masturbate-A-Thon” is having a bunch of people know that you were disqualified for faking too many orgasms.

By the way, the longest anyone’s ever held out in a Masturbate-A-Thon is six hours and thirty two minutes. That sure is a long time to play with yourself. The most orgasms (all genuine, of course) on record is thirty six. That sure is a lot of orgasms. But these people are all pikers. I’ve heard rumors that Sweet Daddy Lovedrops takes eight hours just to get warmed up and has seven to twelve orgasms every time he opens his fly.