Thursday, May 25, 2006

On this, the anniversary of my birth, my dear friend Mel brings tears to my dry, cracked, old-man eyes...

In this comments section, Mel writes:

HAPPY B-DAY K-MAN. Hope your mom's uterus has recovered. In honor of your Birthday...


10. Kevin has a thick lusterous head of hair. It looks best washed and unstyled.

9. Kevin is a fantasic friend. He is someone I can always call, and do, to discuss anything and everything under the sun.

8. Odd's are Kevin knows more about the city you live in than you do. Ask him a question, even if he's never visited he'll rattle off obscure interesting facts about your hometown.

7. Kevin is kind.

6. Nobody is as good at reenacting scenes from "Showgirls". Sorry Greg!

5. Kevin's ass looks great in Hugo Boss jeans. Highwater pleated pants? Not so good.

4. Road trips are ten times more fun when Kevin is along. Just don't let him drive. One time, he almost killed most of his closest and valued friends. Thanks for that, Kevin. Thanks.

3. Kevin went to countless dog shows growing up. Strangely, he has found that, outside the dogshow community, carrying around a five pound bag of dog excrement does not get you the ladies. Who knew?

2. Kevin's handwriting is tiny. Very, very tiny.

1. Kevin is one of my favorite people. He has added enormous amounts of positive energy, fun experiences, support, love, and good conversations to my life. He does not have the cleanest of bathrooms, but I won't hold that against him. For now. Just clean it when I visit, dammit.

Thank you, Mel. I'm truly touched. I really do have some of the kindest, warmest, funniest, and all-around-best friends in the entire world. Although I must interject that I didn't "almost kill you". I was merely showing the elderly lady in the next lane over that the world is occasionally a cruel, capricious place and that it's best not to take the "rules of the road" as holy writ. It's important to learn that sometimes. And the pleated pants were not technically "highwaters", they were just bunched up in the crotch. But now I'm nitpicking...

Mel, you are the queen. Call me up anytime you want to re-enact "Showgirls". You can be Gina Gershon and I'll be Elizabeth Berkeley.

And tomorrow I begin the weeks-long process of cleaning my bathroom...